Thanksgiving Day Fall

Another year… The clock ticks and we’re back at the holidays again. Come one come all and hop on! Time – the carousel of life! Don’t get me wrong I like the holidays. It is fun to see everyone and see what the last year round has done to the lot of us. For me it is a time to strengthen connections between family and friends.

I would say the thing I like the most about the holidays is that every once in a while I get that little kid feeling. I really don’t know how to describe it but it was this feeling like “everything is going to be OK”. It was a really cool feeling and what’s even funnier is that I felt this feeling in lesser degrees all the way up into my 30’s. I think it was somewhere around 35 or so, maybe earlier, that I didn’t feel it for the first year.

Everything is going to be OK, but I think the switch that flipped is the fact that I don’t have to lie to myself anymore about life. There are going to be problems, difficult situation, life, death and the whole mess, but ultimately everything is going to be OK because hell there was never anything wrong with it to begin with.

Is this what it means to be getting older? I’m 38.

So far so good. Thanksgiving was a lot of fun. Sarah came to get me and we went over to her parents house to have dinner. It was really cool to be accepted and invited in. It’s still a shocker to me to be invited anywhere, but who am I kidding I know people like to have me around. Anyway I thought it was really cool that we all went for a walk in the woods and enjoyed each others company.

The food was great and after dinner Sarah make pumpkin pie. I made the whip cream and as stubborn as I am whipped it by hand.

It was getting late and I had to be up for work the next morning so Sarah and I cleaned up and were walking back downstairs to say good-bye. All I remember was taking a few steps and BOOM I was at the bottom of the steps. I lost my footing and slammed by back on the steps sooo hard! I felt stupid but mostly I was in a lot of pain. The first thing that I thought was “Did I swear???” I think I probably did if I know myself at all especially when I was falling. It was really funny actually I’ve never fallen down stairs before so I don’t have much experience with it but shit man those stairs ate me up and spit me out.

Everyone was asking if I was OK. I was in pain so it was time to exit stage left. I walked up the stairs and sat on the couch. I was thinking about practicing and teaching and that my body was no good anymore. All of these bad things were happening to me and I wanted to know why?

“Ice or heat”

I heard somewhere in the distance, but all I could think about was how can I practice tomorrow. How long would I be out this time?

We said our good-byes and were on our way. I was definitely stuck in my head on the drive home. I felt bad wanted to say something anything but was just so sad that I was hurt again. I’m so lucky to have someone like Sarah that is so supportive and was great with me.

I had trouble sleeping but I think it was just too much food more than my back.

So anyway…

I’m glad this happened because it has opened my eyes to the fact that I’m so fucking self-centered. Everything is about me and things are OK if and only if I can do this and do that. Today I was practicing in a room with a women that had no fucking legs! Yet I complain because my ankle isn’t as flexible as it use to be. Ahh it’s fine to get twisted up over stuff. I’m just grateful that every once in awhile I actually see the knots I’m creating in the rope of life…

On with the festivities! Let the good times roll!

Insecurity

I wish there were a more interesting title, but there isn’t. Insecurity that silly thing I can never seem to see or choose to admit is bothering me. Whenever I start to look to others for something I feel is lacking in myself it is almost always insecurity. It is the worst feeling ever to want take everything you can from the people you love only because you feel insecure yourself. And once the insecurity shows up in one area of my life it starts manifesting itself in every area. It is like a cancer and before I know it I can’t see anything correctly anymore.

Prior to recovery I would just use and for the most part never feel these feelings at all. Since I’ve been clean as I started to feel the feelings I would generally want to use but would not. Nevertheless I needed an outlet for the way that I was feeling so I would generally act out. Maybe creating a problem in my life and then I would obsess about that or being mean to myself or someone else. I would do something that would get my mind off of the insecurity and distract me. It’s obvious that the actual problem would never be addressed and I would go on my merry way once the feeling passed.

Feelings are windows of opportunity for growth…

Yesterday I felt completely insecure about everything in my life. I felt like I was the biggest piece of shit in the world. The results were in and I have failed. The score for Aaron was a whopping ZERO. Life is over you may as well quit not because you are ahead but because you are so behind it isn’t funny.

It started while I was teaching class yesterday and continued until I talked to my sponsor and he was able to give what I was feeling a name. So why am I feeling this? Well because I love someone and she loves me. Like all people I’ve been hurt by love and that creates insecurities. It isn’t rocket science shit these days rocket science isn’t even that impressive since people are building the fucking things in their back yards. Maybe I should say it isn’t brain surgery…

Add to that the fact that I stand on a podium and talk for 90 minutes for my job and you get a big box of vulnerability. I was so busy judging myself that I’m looking at everyone around me thinking “What do they think of me??” “Do you like me?” because I hate myself.

Yep…insecurity fucks the ego right up and then, at least for me, it seems like it can’t operate like it is suppose to or at all for that matter.

Today I’m feeling a bit better after getting some sleep and doing a bunch of writing. Gonna hit class, go to a meeting, and do some shopping today. Life doesn’t stop you gotta keep moving-no choice.

The Mall

Yoga Asana Championship 2011

Yet another year I intended to compete but it just wasn’t in the cards with my most recent surgery on my ankle. Oh well. Next year…

The day was really fun. Sarah and I got there around 11:45 and we walked around checked out the Lulu Lemon store and then found the area where the championships would be. I thought the stage was WAY too small. Anyone over 5’10” would have trouble doing any type of inversion for fear of falling off the stage. Not that it matters for me I wasn’t planning on doing any anyway :). For all of the competitors it just seemed cramped and all of the people were roped off far from the stage. Hopefully next year there will be more stage and less rope :).

It was so awesome to watch all of the competitors display their routines. It was also awesome to see people I hadn’t seen in awhile. What a great day for yoga and friends! 🙂

Illegal Smile

John Prine, Illegal Smile

When I woke up this morning, things were lookin’ bad
Seem like total silence was the only friend I had
Bowl of oatmeal tried to stare me down… and won
And it was twelve o’clock before I realized
That I was havin’ .. no fun

Chorus:
But fortunately I have the key to escape reality
And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile
It don’t cost very much, but it lasts a long while
Won’t you please tell the man I didn’t kill anyone
No I’m just tryin’ to have me some fun

Last time I checked my bankroll,
It was gettin’ thin
Sometimes it seems like the bottom
Is the only place I’ve been
I Chased a rainbow down a one-way street… dead end
And all my friends turned out to be insurance salesmen

Repeat Chorus:

Well, I sat down in my closet with all my overalls
Tryin’ to get away
From all the ears inside my walls
I dreamed the police heard
Everything I thought… what then?
Well I went to court
And the judge’s name was Hoffman

Ah but fortunately I have the key to escape reality
And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile
It don’t cost very much, but it lasts a long while
Won’t you please tell the man I didn’t kill anyone
No I’m just tryin’ to have me some fun
Well done, hot dog bun, my sister’s a nun

10-4 Good Buddy

Had the day off today. I couldn’t really muster up the energy to do much but some grocery shopping and then went to the 1530 yoga class. Class was pretty good but I’m still getting really tired towards the end of class. Not normal tired like totally exhausted, but I guess that is par for the course just coming back.

I’m glad that I hit a meeting after I had dinner with my friend Jon. Now I’m waiting for my sweetie and we are gonna watch the last 2 episodes of LOST! Thank God it is finally over!