Man. Sometimes I just think that I’m broken. The gears just don’t work right, there isn’t enough oil…This are going fine and then BOOM it changes. For me this generally results in some sort of manifestation of obsession. I’ll sit there and spin my wheels and just feel like total shit about it. I fucking hate the disease of addiction. Sometimes I wonder if normal people feel like this too.
How is it possible to feel so connected to someone and then feel like that person doesn’t like you anymore? Where the fuck does that come from? Even when you have solid evidence on the contrary? Things start to break down. I think to myself: Why am I doing x is it to get a response? Is it because I truly want to do it? I start to analyze everything and it increases the obsession.
I just want to be myself.
If that means I’m clingy and needy well so fucking be it. I know that I’m not those things but I can be sometimes. Hell we all can…
I need reassurance. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. I’ve been hurt. Most of all I don’t want it to be taken away from me. How many times has it been now that I’ve trusted and lost? How many times has it been that I’ve been trusted and left? I can see now that it works both ways and it is hard for everyone involved. It never pays off to build walls in defense but it is even harder to tear the bricks down as they start going up.
How do you communicate honestly feelings of fear?