I’m singing to “Women without whiskey” this morning. There is a line in that song that goes something like “Take me piece by piece until there ain’t nothing left worth taking away from me.” It is only fitting that that be the title of this post. Piece by piece…
I’ve been taken, bought, sold and thrown away. I’m not happy about it. The past days have been pretty dull. If love is color then the absence of it is surely black and white. The night is especially weird where I just do stuff around the house and then go lay in bed and hope to fall asleep. Luckily I’ve been sleeping for the past few days without too much trouble.
The night it happened I couldn’t sleep. I could barely close my eyes it was like my mind was trying to work something out, trying to change reality just by focusing on it. Hearing those words over and over again in my head and realizing that she was really going to leave. Hell lying in bed that night, alone, for the first night in months listening to nothing but the squeaks of the house thinking it was some sort of daemon out for justice.
“How could this have happened?”
“I’m all alone again”
An electric buzzing feeling all over my body. My stomach feels like someone is pulling my life-force directly from me. I know I’m not going to sort anything out in bed that night but there is nothing that I can do except pray that God or something greater than myself lets me gets to sleep.
It was 11 and I finally drifted off…12:30am came and I got up to take a piss by the time I walked down the stairs and got to the bathroom I realized what I had woken up to-a nightmare. That lonely sinking feeling in my stomach came back and I realized I had woken up into a nightmare. I tried to just ignore it but there is no ignoring love that is lost.
Back in bed I just wanted to get back to sleep but that wasn’t in the cards. The more I would think about it the more upset I would get. The feelings came like an avalanche and I picked up the phone to call people. First my Dad and then Bary, and finally Bryan. I spoke to both Barry and Bryan and that really helped. I needed to reach out to people. I knew this was the crisis that I had been hearing about in meetings for so many years. Hell I’ve been through some tough stuff in recovery but this is the shit that a lot of addicts use over.
3:00am and I’m begging my HP to let me sleep. I just want to get through this night. Please. Fucking Please.
5:00am and my phone rings. It is my Dad calling me back and I realize I’ve been sleeping for 2 hours. Thank God. I tell him I will call him back and I fall back to sleep for two more hours.
7:00am and I am just so fucking grateful that I have slept for a moment I forget that she left me.