I wish there were a more interesting title, but there isn’t. Insecurity that silly thing I can never seem to see or choose to admit is bothering me. Whenever I start to look to others for something I feel is lacking in myself it is almost always insecurity. It is the worst feeling ever to want take everything you can from the people you love only because you feel insecure yourself. And once the insecurity shows up in one area of my life it starts manifesting itself in every area. It is like a cancer and before I know it I can’t see anything correctly anymore.
Prior to recovery I would just use and for the most part never feel these feelings at all. Since I’ve been clean as I started to feel the feelings I would generally want to use but would not. Nevertheless I needed an outlet for the way that I was feeling so I would generally act out. Maybe creating a problem in my life and then I would obsess about that or being mean to myself or someone else. I would do something that would get my mind off of the insecurity and distract me. It’s obvious that the actual problem would never be addressed and I would go on my merry way once the feeling passed.
Feelings are windows of opportunity for growth…
Yesterday I felt completely insecure about everything in my life. I felt like I was the biggest piece of shit in the world. The results were in and I have failed. The score for Aaron was a whopping ZERO. Life is over you may as well quit not because you are ahead but because you are so behind it isn’t funny.
It started while I was teaching class yesterday and continued until I talked to my sponsor and he was able to give what I was feeling a name. So why am I feeling this? Well because I love someone and she loves me. Like all people I’ve been hurt by love and that creates insecurities. It isn’t rocket science shit these days rocket science isn’t even that impressive since people are building the fucking things in their back yards. Maybe I should say it isn’t brain surgery…
Add to that the fact that I stand on a podium and talk for 90 minutes for my job and you get a big box of vulnerability. I was so busy judging myself that I’m looking at everyone around me thinking “What do they think of me??” “Do you like me?” because I hate myself.
Yep…insecurity fucks the ego right up and then, at least for me, it seems like it can’t operate like it is suppose to or at all for that matter.
Today I’m feeling a bit better after getting some sleep and doing a bunch of writing. Gonna hit class, go to a meeting, and do some shopping today. Life doesn’t stop you gotta keep moving-no choice.