Just sitting back thinking…A word came through my mind: WISH. I am sure there is a good acronym in there somewhere I just haven’t found it yet.
Anyway things have been going OK. The week at work was a bit stressful because of all of the pressure I put on myself to excel. Since I have left my old job I have learned a few things about the way I approach relationships. First I immerse myself in new relationships and I take no time for myself inevitably setting up a resentment. Over time the resentment worsen and I end up blaming what I think is the source of my problem work, friends, climbing, hiking…anything.
No one at work is telling me that I have to work an insane amount of hours. No one is telling me that I have to live a life out of balance. In fact they are telling me just the opposite: to be balanced and are encouraging me to participate in the very things that help me to maintain balance in my life.
So I don’t have anyone to blame except myself :). I am not beating myself up I realize there are other forces at work here and I am powerless but not helpless. I recognize that I have been making choices which has been throwing my life out of balance. All I have to do is start making choices that put my life back into balance:
– Work a set number of hours per day
– Do things that fill my spirit
– GO TO MEETINGS
I recognize and understand that I will never fill the void in my heart and soul with knowledge. If I think that I am less than I will aways be less than and no amount of anything will move me away from that thought. I cannot fix an affliction with the object of the affliction.
Getting back to the whole WISH thing…I still haven’t thought of a cool acronym but I know one is out there. Wow if you can read through that sentence and what it actually could mean…
Sometimes I think it is just a reality that I will be alone. I am not wallowing in self-pity just recognizing the fact that the longer I stay alone the more of a reality it will be. I am not even sure that I have the potential to be with anyone. I am just unwilling to deal with so many things and refuse to settle for less and will not lie to someone about how I feel. A friend of mine calls it “Authentic Truth” and reminds me to always “tell the truth sooner”.
Waiting In Subjective Hell
No that is a bit to creepy.
No questions, no answers…