It’s becoming clear to me that I just can’t win. I’m not saying that the world is against me. In fact it’s much more diabolical than that.
It’s me against myself.
I’m sure that’s not used to anybody. We are all fighting against ourselves. Dealing with our own internal karmas.
It always feels like I’m getting so close. The discipline, the focus, the attention. Everything. It all seems to be there and then in an instant it’s all gone. And I’m left wondering what happened to the person that I once was.
That’s how I feel right now: a shell of the person I used to be.
I know there have been times when I’ve liked myself maybe even loved myself. However right now I hate myself. It’s a different kind of hate and one the reader may not understand. Kind of hate that I’m talking about is one where you can see all of the machinations within you and realize there is nothing you can do about it.
You are stuck.
Even all of the way-outs are just illusions and tricks to keep you stuck.
The Buddha talked about the middle way. The middle way goes beyond this or that, here or there. It exists in a different realm. His path to finding it was arduous and no doubt his specific concoction. I know there is a lot of talk that the Buddhist way is a way for any man but I wonder…
I’m trapped in my own stupidity and I really need to find a way out. The funny thing is is that the way out is usually just the way in. It’s like a snake eating its tail cyclical in nature and no way out.
The system is designed so that we will stay stuck in it. Pulling out of the system should feel very uncomfortable. And if discomfort indication of being on the correct path I think I’m there.
Nevertheless I feel lost and sometimes the only thing I hope for is eternal rest. I’ve had other friends take that path before me. I still do not know if they were courageous or stupid!!
Maybe picking this back up will help? More likely it’s just another trap. What do you do when you know that the only person that can help you is you and your unwilling to do it?
Unwilling maybe the wrong word here I think the correct one is unable to do anything about it. As superficial as it may be I’m seeing myself operate at a basic level. Lately I’ve been at sucker for the physical but honestly the more I think about it that’s all I’ve been doing.
How do I look?
Are my muscles defined?
How’s my flab roll?
None of these things matter but yet they consume my thoughts.
I’m not sure what the answer is but maybe with enough inspection, honesty and inquiry I will get there. As for right now it’s not looking good.