What a whatever attitude I have today. I have had an attitude for the past few days and have been aware of it, but like a good friend once said “Just because you know you have a load of shit in your pants doesn’t mean a thing unless you change them.” To that I would add knowing is half the battle, but the point is action. How long will I hover in this state of disrepair?
I was talking to a friend the other night and he was trying to school about how relapse starts and whatnot. Give me a freaking break. Proselytize this mother fucker. Actually no get on your soap box while I surreptitiously sneak over and set fire to it. Blow. Blow.
So what does it all mean? Am I no longer teachable? Well I don’t know but I can definitely say that I am starting to get picky about where my knowledge is coming from. More precisely who I am willing to listen to.
So get this if you got something I should absolutely know because it will help ME-keep it. I don’t want your get rich quick schemes, emotional blankets of hope, reprocessed, packaged, and then regurgitated ways to nothing.
What I am looking for are pieces of peoples hearts. The truth, to them, based on experience and not grounded in some regurgitation of some other truth. Then again I suppose that just may be were certain people are at the time and it may serve me well to let them just be there. I suppose my only job is to kindly and lovingly let them know they are overstepping boundaries. Blah, blah.
I am so tired of hearing about how getting to the exact nature of things is going to “fix” me. It sends the message that there is something in all of this to figure out and then when I do figure it out all will be well. Guess what kids? It won’t be well because there is NOTHING wrong. There never is and never way it is all about my perceptions and the kicker is there is nothing wrong with them either.
What the hell am I saying all of this for? I dunno. I suppose it follows that no one does this thing perfectly. What is this thing? Life. I am doing my best just like all of you out there. Somehow, somewhere it got programmed into me to just sit back and take it. To just let people walk all over me, well, to just not say anything about how what people do affects me. I have gotten a lot better at that but when I get in situations with people and I feel like I don’t have a choice or a voice I find myself doing my best to get out of them.
Ahh whatever. I am such a little baby when it comes to these things. I am always open to reason or the lack thereof. I am simply not a hard-ass, BUT I am learning to stand for things that mean something to me and in turn I am defining who I am today which WILL affect who I will be tomorrow.