I just sat down this morning to work on my fourth step but I dunno…Something is moving me to write something here…
I have been feeling really connected to everything lately. It isn’t always comfortable but I have been really pushing myself to stay connected and not give up. I always want to give up I just want to let go and disconnect. I honestly don’t know what has been keeping me connected. Maybe it is my stubbornness or maybe my will, but we all know that doesn’t last forever. Will is like an elastic you pull it hard enough and it just snaps. This doesn’t feel like will because I am not struggling as hard as I would be if I was running on will.
Who knows?
I know that I have been moving through some core issues at yoga. I almost broke down in tears the other day in class. Partly because of the pain that I was in and partly because of what was going on in my head. When I realized my part of the situation it got a bit easier but it was still a struggle.
You know what sucks? The fact that even though I was a child I formed behaviors and beliefs that I have to work so freaking hard to undo as an adult. Like my mothers faults aren’t my fault but I reacted to those faults in certain ways and now when other women in my life have those faults or behaviors I go right back to being a child and responding in a predictable way. The only problem is that the people in my life today are NOT my mother and I am no longer a child! Nevertheless I have to continue to work to remind myself and refuse to give up.
Man. I remember being a kid and it just seemed like everyone hated me. My peers just picked on me and made fun of me. I just don’t know why. I don’t know what it was about me that made them not like me. I just wanted to be liked somewhere anywhere. Everywhere I turned throughout my childhood it was just one problem after another. My home life broken at best or filled with anger and rage. My school life filled with people that laughed at me. My after school life filled with waiting to get moved back to one of those two places where it just seemed that I didn’t belong or no one wanted me to be.
It is sad, but I am not innocent. I played a part, but that doesn’t ease the pain. What really makes me grateful and the tears come into my eyes is how all of that isn’t true today. Now people look at me and smile some people even laugh. I don’t mind because if I have something within me that can bring a smile to someones face then I am happy. I am happy because I know what it is like to walk around in pain, sadness and fear.
If by sitting here and letting out some tears of sadness and joy will help me be the man I am suppose to be then I am willing to do it. I am still willing to do not only whatever it takes to stay clean but willing to do whatever it takes to be a human being living in this world.
Like a great friend of mine once said “This isn’t a stop using program. It’s a start living program…” If you are an addict sit back and think about just how lucky you are to be alive. Wow. Thank you God.