I just got finished watching Edmond. Wow. I feel pretty empty and anxious. It is funny how things come to be. I mean one minute things are one way and the next minute they are another and all that is responsible for the change are our actions and our responses to them.
What happens to a killer the second or minute after he or she kills? Yes women can be killers to fucking can’t even be gender neutral these days. I don’t know what happens to a killer, but I do know what would happen to me I would feel the same way that I felt when I watched it in a movie. Fuck. What a shitty feeling.
It isn’t so much about killing as it is about doing something you just can’t take back. I suppose everything can be looked at as final in that as moments pass they can never be reproduced. What I am talking about though is doing something that will forever change you something that seems as though it will take you out of this reality. Something that really separates you from everyone else.
Killing seems to be a very antisocial act, but I may be wrong. I have a feeling that if I were to kill I would be forever changed and I do not want that…Wow that even sounds weird to say. Anyway that is a bit of what I felt during the movie.
What really stood out to me was the line between what is and what is not. It is like this fine line one minute things are the next they are not. Take relationships for instance we get into them and then are surprised when they don’t exist anymore. “I can’t believe it is over”! “Why did (s)he leave me”? I don’t know. “All that starts must end”. Is that realistic or pessimistic?
How much of what I am is who I am?
The line is thin but as we all know sometimes it can last a lifetime. God knows I have lived more than one life or so it seems anyway…
I had an emotional day today. Nothing new, but trying to live by spiritual principals is not easy. As my counselor once aptly said “When has anything, thats been worth it, been easy?” Deleted some stupid text. Really it was dumb just be trying to be something I am not and find stupid ways to use the word vernacular. I think broken nose does it in some movie. (If anyone knows what I am referring to dinner is on me!)