Almost ten years later and I’m achy, sweaty, sad, and unable to sleep. Last night was part of the first 24 hours away from the last time I used my pain medication. The doctors kept me on dilaudid after I got out of the hospital. The first week out I had no choice but to take it, the pain was pretty bad. It is now the second week and getting closer to when I’ll be going back to work and simply the fact that my ankle isn’t hurting as much. Compared to what I went through in the hospital it’s now child’s play…
Still going through these feelings, feeling completely alone, wanting nothing more than to throw it all away and take the medication and just rack it up to “Whoops”. Blame it on the fact that I’m an addict and start over some other time (If I’m lucky enough). But the reality is that I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to live under the control of some silly chemical that controls my every move. That is no way to live…
I woke up this morning worried about everything. Work, life, my body, relationships-everything. It seems like nothing is right and it will be this way forever. I’m lucky enough to realize that is bullshit and life will be back to normal soon enough, but I will be forever changed. I’m not sure how things will play out in life and I’m not suppose to be. I’m in charge of today and that is all I can handle. I don’t have any business being in tomorrow (outside of planning of course).
It’s really funny I’m talking about withdrawal from the drug but what about teaching? The yoga? Friends? Family? Everything in my life just stopped and what started was unfamiliar stuff that I have to do to get better. I’m in this and I have no choice. Another 5 weeks of no walking. Fuck. I’m alive and that should be enough but I’m such a dickhead that I don’t even care I want to be able to walk now. I want the pain to go away and I want things to go back to being normal.
The world doesn’t stop when things like this happen it just keeps on going on…For a few everything changes forever but ultimately things keep on keeping on…
I’m glad I made the decision to stop taking the pain medication so I can go through the feelings and get on the other side…