That was an actual quote from 30 Rock a completely hilarious show.
Sigh. I sat down afterward in hopes of doing some step work but when I realized the section of the sixth step that I am on it was abundantly clear why I haven’t done any step work lately.
“List each defect, and give a brief definition of it”
Fuck. This is the part of the track where my mind goes blank. I don’t have anything to say. I don’t want to dig or to know why I am the way I am. I would rather live in the lie and instability of confusion. Sure it is easier to be ignorant that it is to be wise. Wisdom takes work and work just sucks. I don’t want to figure it out, or write it down, or think about it. I just want to be OK without having to dig through the mess that I have been ignoring for such a long time.
I was doing the dishes earlier and I didn’t want to do them. I actually had the thought “What if I just didn’t do them ever again?” I pictured a sink full of dishes and dirt and grime and then ( to add dramatic effect ) me using again. After that I just thought “You are just doing one dish at a time.” Which made it instantly easier because I was no longer thinking about all of the dishes in the sink just the 1 I was washing at the time.
Sometimes things seem so overwhelming when I look at the totality of them. From dishes to steps it’s all the same.
I found a list online and I guess I will go through them one by one thinking about ways I may have or have not acted out on the specific defect of character.
I’ll hope for the best…