Well it usually isn’t until I feel like I am going to die that I am able to live again. This time was no different. It may sound melodramatic but it is true. I really didn’t think I was going to make it through this point in my recovery without using. I had spoken to my sponsor, talked with other recovering addicts, went to meetings, asked for help, talked with my Higher Power, prayed, begged, pleaded, and written. I was also doing the following: talking with active addicts, entertaining the idea of using, planning my get high, putting myself in unsafe situations, and being ego-driven.
Who knows how it came to be, it was just here one day. I woke up and wanted to use and felt that way for a month or so most of the day everyday. I was talking to a friend and she said that my obsession to use was wierd since I have been clean so long, but I don’t think it is wierd or unique. In fact I know it isn’t and if it is well fuck it it doesn’t make me special. Anyway the point is you don’t have to use no matter what even when you have 4 years clean and your head tells you to use. Even if you have 4 minutes clean and your head tells you to take another whatever.
Life is just plain tough sometimes. All of the step-work, program, and fellowshipping in the world cannot account for my specific sensitivites to this world. They are just the things that keep me alive day to day it is up to me to choose to live.