It’s all a mish-mash…Things have been going pretty well over the past few weeks. I’ve been climbing a lot and I’m really psyched about that. My shoulder has been holding up pretty well…I’m getting ready man. In the not to distant future I’ll be away at teacher training and my whole life will change. I’m super psyched for that! I filled out the teacher training application online the other day and got my registration number and made my appointment for a physical.
The next few months will be about getting everything together so that I can take off in September. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it really makes sense for me to leave the place that I am living but I don’t know if that will be possible since my lease goes until November. I’m going to talk to my landlord and see what he says about me leaving early. I really just doesn’t make sense for me to pay all of this money and not be here. I guess we will see where that goes…
I’m just really looking forward to what will become of all of this. I’m so grateful to be able to do this on all levels. I don’t what the outcome will be but it definitely feels like the right thing for me to do. Simple not complicated no justifications or rationalizations it just is.
On the recovery front I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve had to limit some of my service positions because of the upcoming changes in my life but all is well there. I’m still hitting two to three meetings a week and talking to other recovering addicts including my sponsor everyday. Steps, sponsorship and just plain being there for others keeps me full of life and happy to be part of everything.
Nothing happening on the relationship front but I’m not really trying for anything. I’m not looking for anything serious since I’ll be leaving soon and want to be able to stay mobile. There isn’t anything that would have changed my mind about moving in with Heather but hindsight has allowed me to see it was definitely too soon. Hell I was in it for myself too I could see us living together helping me pay the fucking rent while I was away at teacher training. Yea I’m not innocent either…nevertheless it doesn’t take away from the fact that I really did want to be with her at the time. I say at the time because now I understand that it was never me from the beginning.
It was always him and not me.
What a bummer. As a man I feel especially useless because of that fact and that I just got used pretty fucking hardcore. Still people operate at the level they are capable of and nothing more at the time. The hope is that eventually or in the future a light shines and reason sets in to provide the awareness needed for growth. And that goes for all of us! I wonder if it is just my Cancerian nature to look at everything like a challenge, win-loose.
I loose and everyone else wins…
What an odd way to look at things…
No one really wins anything. There isn’t anything to win. It is all perceived. Nevertheless loss feels like loss until you realize you never had the thing you thought you had to begin with. Wow that sentence violates a bunch of grammar rules…
Where is my little brown book?
Still I’m not going to judge until I’m on my death bed. I can say whatever I want before I die especially about the mean shit I haven’t done to others. But then that would sort of invalidate everything…so I guess I’ll just shut my mouth and be who I am and let others do the same.
This ones for you Heather: C’est La Vie!
And you thought I didn’t know French! May your kisses be long but not long enough to kill you both from lack of oxygen!