Yesterday was pretty interesting…after the meeting I decided that I would go to the 8:15 Bikram Yoga class in Harvard Square. Having never taken a class that late at night and considering it was only my second class since I started going back I was a bit nervous.
I ignored all of the silly shit that I was thinking and just went. Hell if I had it my way I would have just come home and watched more episodes of Heroes. By the way to hell with Comcast and their bandwidth throttling. More on that later…
I walked into the room and knew that I was in for a treat. It was so hot. It is normally hot but today felt extra special hot. Once class started, partway through the breathing exercise, I was dying. My head turned on and everything was difficult. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I kept going back into my head and fighting. I was tired before I went to class and class made no difference there. I was beat and kept telling myself I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go on.
We were on standing head to knee when I realized I couldn’t even kick my leg out because my back hurt so much. So I just stayed in the first part of the posture. By the time we got to triangle I thought I was going to die and that I just couldn’t go on, but that is when the teacher said “Get out of your head. Stop giving yourself options”
That helped a lot and I was able to hold both sets of postures without giving up. There is more but it is more of the same. Me not being in the moment and in a lot of pain trying to get through the class.
I almost fell asleep during the final resting posture and couldn’t seem to get myself back together after class.
I got home at like 10:30 and started doing my laundry, jumped in the shower and then made the following for dinner:
2 eggs 1 egg white w/ swiss cheese and capicola
2 waffles 1 w/ grape jelly and 1 w/ rasberry jelly
1 bowl of cereal w/ nuts and raisins
1 piece of toast w/ peanut butter
I ate the cereal and toast after the eggs and waffles because I was still hungry. I didn’t go to bed until 0120 or so and was up this morning at 0830 and had some oatmeal and coffee.
There was one point last night when I was folding my clothes where I just started feeling really bad. Like I was lonely and needed someone to just hold me and tell me things were going to be OK. I had literally exhausted myself of my energy on all levels.
Maybe it was a sign. I don’t know. I have been seeing faces in random patterns again lately too so I don’t know what is going on there either, but that hasn’t really stopped over the past few years…
Well that is it…maybe I just wish I had special powers like the characters on Heroes. Maybe I realized last night that I do have special powers. One thing that was true for me last night anyway is that I am tired of being alone. I know that my path is about getting right with me so that I can put myself in a position to actually be with someone else. It is really cool to think that there is someone out there that I am going to me and is going to meet me and we may or may not spend a significant amount of time together is a pretty cool concept indeed.
Still though I have really been struggling with the fact that maybe I am not suppose to meet any one single person. Maybe I was designed to be alone, not in the sad poetic sense, but literally an agent for friends, family, and the like? I don’t know maybe that is a bit grandiose. Plus why wouldn’t my Higher Power want me to have everything life has to offer? Yea, once again I am the limiting factor in this equation…
Lars
Lars and the real girl comes to mind. Great movie…
Peace