Moving and shaking…this week was pretty difficult. I spent a lot of time being all over the place and wonder if I actually was ever anywhere…Yep lots of places to be and people to see. I did it all but by Friday my stomach was upset and I wasn’t feeling all that well. Luckily for me it only took a few days of rest to recover. I’m really glad I practice yoga regularly so I have a super-human body, mind and spirit.
I’ve been struggling a bit with faith lately. I know that I can’t hold on to will. Will alone really won’t do much of anything in the long haul. It may work in the moment but over time I have to develop faith. I so badly want to make it to teacher training and fear that something will happen before I leave and then my life will be left a complete mess. No job, no apartment, no fun. There really isn’t anything that I can do about the future and there really isn’t a need to worry about it what will be will be regardless of what I want. Still I wanted to mention it because it was something that I’ve been thinking about for the past month. In my heart I know that things will work out, they always do, and me worrying about it really doesn’t play into the conclusion.
I feel pretty relaxed right now. I’m glad that I’m writing this stuff down.
One area that I’ve been slacking in is meeting attendance. For the past few weeks I’ve only hit 2 meetings per week which is really low for me. I generally hit a minimum of 3 per week but just haven’t been able to do it. I suppose that isn’t true I could have done it but have been going out with friends and showing up for my yoga commitments. It’s not coincidence that my eating has been off, hence the stomach, and sleeping the same.
My sponsor always tells me “Aaron you tied the knot just untie it…” I love that saying because it gives me the power to make change. I’m not a victim of the things that happen in MY life! I’m the creator…”Powerless not helpless” Don’t like the way things are going change it. It really is that simple.
I’ve been moving past all of the relationship stuff that happened long ago. Rekindling my relationship with my therapist has helped in that area quite a bit. It really hurts when I see her and she is cold and mean to me, but it was only a few months ago that I was the same way towards her. I really can’t complain, but I am sorry for the way that I acted regardless of the conditions of the hurt. So many people in my life said it was her fault, shit, even she said that, but I know that I played a part too. Maybe not in her decision but the way I acted after could have been better. EGO and pride played a huge part in all of it and I just couldn’t help feeling like a total chump and a looser. I’ll do better in my next relationship and as painful as it may be to let the person go just let them know that I’m willing to hang in there. Hell it could be me who wants out which has happened plenty of times in my life. Like I said I’m not innocent…There are two sides to every story and then there’s the truth. I like to believe my side of the story is always the closest to the truth but I’ve got filters just like the rest of us. How do you find all of the anger and resentment and shake it out? It is like little bits of fat stored up and periodically you burn it up. Maybe someone will make “free yourself of anger and resentment” pill and we can all take it thereby creating a utopia. Maybe not.
I’m moving along in the dialogue. Today I delivered Standing Separate Leg Forehead to Knee. Honestly I really didn’t like doing that posture but maybe it is all connected with the week. Who really knows…I came home afterward and learned Tree Pose. Tomorrow I’ll bang out Toe Stand and then I will finally be on the fucking floor. It seems like we have been doing this for so long. I know that I’m just feeling the pains of hanging-in-there it’s getting close to the end/beginning and that always screws with me. I’m shaky in the beginning stronger by the middle and fearful of the end.
Well I went the the store and got some great food. Everything is setup for tomorrow where I’ll hit yoga, work, and then a meeting…Untie the knot…
Time to buy my airplane tickets for Training!