Sunday Sunday Sunday…Oh how it has a gentle way of driving me insane. It was a good day but that lonely sinking feeling always seems to come over me at one point or another throughout the day. Damn, I would expect that by now I would be use to Sunday’s but it always gets me. Basically I get this feeling at the bottom of my stomach which says “Aaron you have this to do and that to do tomorrow and it isn’t going to well.” it continues “You may have time now but in a few hours you will have to go to work or go workout or go to a meeting. You will have all of these things to do and no time to do anything that you want to do…”
What is really funny is that everything that I do throughout the day is pretty much stuff that I want to do. The problem is the feeling that comes after the thought: fear. Like the kind of fear you might have had right before you walked into a test you didn’t study for, or the kid that you had to fight after school, or the feeling you got when your step-father came home and you just didn’t know what was going to happen.
What am I afraid of? My life is great. I have so much: people that love me and vise versa, recovery, job, and all of the fixings. The question is what is at the bottom of my stomach that needs to come up? What has been hiding down there all of this time? I know the step process will bring it up. I know that I will be free in time-I just have to do the work.
I was standing there doing dishes after dinner and then I realized something: how nice it would be to share what I was feeling with someone else. How Sunday wouldn’t be as bad if I had someone in my life to help me through it. I know that I have plenty of people in my life but this is different special in its own way.
Sometimes the seas are rough on the relation ship but together we make it to the other side. I am not sad about not having a ship of my own because I can see other ships in the sea and I know one day or another it will be true for me to. Better it take time and I find my reasons to set sail than to sail for the reasons of another.
What does it all mean? I don’t know, but I don’t think I am meant to know. My job is to keep on keeping on and be there for others as best I can. Thank God for Sunday’s without them I would be totally clueless…