Lying there on the hospital bed knowing the shit had hit the fan and that I was about to face the most difficult situation of my recovery. Still, I knew that I had some tools at my disposal and that I didn’t have to go through this alone.
I looked over at Heather as she held my hand I knew that I wasn’t alone and I was fucking grateful for that. The IV nurse started getting her tools ready to set me up and at that point Heather and I started making phone calls. The unfortunate thing was that I didn’t have my phone so I didn’t have any numbers. Luckily she had Bryan’s number and I was able to get Chris’s number off him.
I called Chris and let him know what was going on and he gave me my sponsor’s number. I called Billy and left him a voicemail telling him the situation and what the next steps were and that I was scared. It felt good to tell fellow addicts what I was about to undergo to further the reality that I wasn’t alone.
By this point the IV nurse has done her handy work and I was all rigged up for the injections to follow. The doctors were waiting for me to get off the phone and once I did I nodded to the IV nurse that I was ready. She flushed the line with saline and then proceeded to inject dilaudid into the IV.
I tried. I really tried to just let it be…to just go with the flow but I couldn’t. As I was lying there with Heather on my right and the IV nurse on my left I yelled “Holy Shit….” I started lifting up as the rush hit me and then I started getting angry. “God Dammed this shit…The taker of lives…The killer of families…” The IV nurse told me it would pass and I freaking knew that but I was suffering a much different fate a repeat of all of the pain using caused me in the past. It wasn’t fun…
I looked over at Heather and could see her tears and then I realized I had scared her and felt bad about that. I had to reel it in and remember that my past is a scary place and that pain was visible for all to see.
You see I wasn’t in the hospital bed anymore I was right there at Dave’s house where it all started and I choose to start something that I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want that shit in my veins afraid it would just take control over me and not ever let go again.
People call this a “freebie” fuck that shit it was definitely not free. I paid for that shit emotionally and if that is what people consider free I don’t want to see something that actually costs.
Time and time again I would look over at Heather and be so grateful that I wasn’t there alone. So much of my life is littered with scary experiences that I had to face on my own without anyone to turns to guidance or support. Hospitals are scary places to be in and of themselves never mind having to go through it alone.
I’m glad I wasn’t alone and thank Her tremendously. Yea that’s fucking right capital H her. She fucking deserves it…