I am not really sure what order this happened in but it was a dream so I guess it doesn’t matter…
I was in this apartment and I was living there with Heather. The odd thing was that wherever I was she wasn’t. I walked upstairs and tried to call her and she was out doing laundry or something. Maybe it was getting a movie I don’t know. I wanted her to come back but I knew that she couldn’t. What was strange was that I was using her phone. Odd. There was some sort of conflict on my part but there was something going on with her too. It was a dream.
I remember going up and down the stairs trying to find someone but no one was there. It was empty and I didn’t want to be alone but didn’t have the courage to ask for help. Or better yet didn’t know that I even could.
The scene changed and I was going on a ride with my sister, niece, and nephew. The ride went up 400 feet and what was strange was that it was just this pole with big metal brackets on it side in the shape of a d. So you just stood in one of these things and it lifted you up (not very safe).
We were all excited to try it and as we were going up my sister and I were talking. The higher we got the more I realized this wasn’t very safe but everyone else seemed to be totally OK with it. At one point I lost my footing and started grasping for these handles (like the handles on a train or bus). I grabbed one and got my footing again and we got to the top.
Once there there was some commotion and I was separated from my family. I looked around but the were gone and I was pissed because we were suppose to go on the ride together. I walked down a hallway and could see this guy I asked him which way the ride was but he wouldn’t answer me. I saw another guy and he said “Green 23”. I could see a painted doorway that was green and I walked towards it. When I went through it there were two guys there and I asked them and they wouldn’t answer me. Finally one of them said something to me but it just pissed me off and I went into this hatch which took me to a lower level.
I realized I wouldn’t be able to go on the ride and at that point I didn’t know if I would find my family again. I was in some big line where people were buying tickets. I only thought to myself “How the hell did I get here?”
— End of Dream —
I forced myself out of the dream with a yell. I woke up and felt like shit. Like something was unbearably wrong and I had messed up again. Once I got up I decided I should do something for myself to set a better mood for the day so I went to www.yogatoday.com and did a basic postures class.
I am not supporting doing yoga by computer light actually I think it sucks but it is better than nothing and I needed to do something. Anyway there were a few times during the class that I just started crying. This isn’t uncommon for me I have noticed during the few actual classes I have taken that emotions will come out of me a lot like sweat. Happiness, sadness, relief, pity, grief everything. Most of all I notice the fact that I don’t have to be so hard on myself and when I reflect on that I almost always cry.
There are a multitude of reasons for the tears but the reasons are not important. What is important is that I realize I don’t have to do it anymore.
I don’t know but I often wonder how I came to be me. I mean who could have possibly been so mean to me to cause me to be so freaking hard on myself? Throughout my fourth step I have been trying to figure that out somewhat indirectly. I am responsible for me and while I may be a product of my upbringing I am now the result of my own intentions and actions. I can continue to change if I am willing to. There is no end.