Seven AM…I pick up the phone and call someone on the phone. I’m not sure who it was but afterward I get up and start the day. I really don’t know what to do because I’m emotional and I can’t stop crying. I just don’t understand why this is happening. I got a text message from her telling me that she just got my message and asking if it is OK if she calls me after her class.
Uh. Yes.
Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock…
At some point before she calls I’m talking to my father and he says “I feel so bad son I just don’t know why this is happening to you, you are such a good person, you have become the man I’ve always wanted you to be.” We both start crying and then end the call.
I try to get my shit together and send an email to my boss letting her know what is going on and that I’m not going to be available for the day.
Disconnected
All of my friends came flocking like angels to help. I certainly wasn’t alone but all I wanted was her but after last night I wasn’t even sure of that. Yet still I waiting thinking that maybe she changed her mind throughout the night. There was still a chance that things could work out if she didn’t go back to him like she said she would.
Ring…Ring…
Hello?
Things are just as they were last night. Nothing has changed…
@(#*$&@#(%&(@*&(@#&$
Hello? Hello?
Shit, Fuck…
At that point I realized I was making this harder on myself. I could just do my best to let go and get her shit packed up so that she could get the fuck out. After all I didn’t want her to have to continue to “Live the lie” as she put it. So I started packing her shit for the 10th time. Jay and I got all of her stuff into the living room ready and waiting for her arrival.
I was starting to get nervous when John came over around 2pm. He brought his dog ngozi with him and he did his best to cheer me up, but I was just sad through and through. It was like being at a funeral for someone except they hadn’t died but you somehow knew you would never have access to them again. Ugh. Could it get any worse?
When I heard the downstairs door open my stomach sank. I just wanted her to be back in my arms. I wanted to smile at her and welcome her home. I didn’t want to be saying goodbye for good.
When she walked through the door she was wearing her best armor-commitment. She was firmly committed to her decision marching around the house checking to make sure all of her stuff was in place for removal. She asked for a copy of the lease stating how irresponsible it would be of her to continue paying rent if she didn’t really have to. Not that it wasn’t irresponsible to move into an apartment with someone claiming to be committed to them and then just decide one day that isn’t at all what she wanted and leave. Not that isn’t irresponsible…Hell “It’s her life…” Still I don’t judge her I’ve said those words many times, but for me it usually surrounded drugs.
We exchange blows with our sharp tongues not by being mean but by not showing any love. The movers arrive and then start taking stuff down to the truck.
O H M Y G O D W E R E T H E Y F U C K I N G S L O W
I thought I was going to die they were taking so long. She and I weren’t talking and she was just moving around the house doing whatever. I was hanging out near the window and I started to get sad and cry. I was really trying to hold it in, trying to be ‘strong’, but I just couldn’t help it. I was completely powerless over her decision and I knew that but I didn’t want her to go.
I sat down not long after that and was angry. Out of nowhere I realize that the only person that I can get closure from is her. She is the only person that I can work this part out with so instead of being a jack-ass I could tell her how I feel and let it be done. So I got up and walked into the kitchen and gave her a hug. We both cried and I told her that I loved her. I said that I was sorry it turned out like this but it was what it was. She said that she was sorry for what she put me through. I told her that maybe next time she could ‘tell the truth sooner’.
Do a better job next time
Try harder
Do your best
Sad man fucking sad. We hug again and cry some more. Fueled by choice and her life she moves around the house as the movers get the last of the things loaded up.
“Well I guess that is it” she says as she holds glass shelves.
I get her to put them down so that I can get my last hug. More crying. She leaves and I realize that is it. Over. Kaput.
She left me for her ex and I’m feeling like a total looser. If it wasn’t for her letting me know I was a good person I think I may have totally just killed myself right then and there. OK, OK…
Time for bed…