I have a really cool halfway-house story about the words “Take it”, and although it would take way to long to explain…
The question is how am I suppose to take it? What am I suppose to do when people say things that just plain hurt?
You know what I love? I love people that will set you up and then start talking in fucking parables, actually wait no a parables actually has a point and uses an example to make it. What I am talking about are people that will try to make a point with any type of example or even providing a situation by which someone can relate.
Hah nice setup to my situation…
I was in my office and a co-worker came marking in with an engineer and walked past me and said to my office-mate “so-and-so this is more your speed”. I was sitting there and said to myself “What the fuck does that mean?” and the following thoughts ensued:
“I am not good enough”
“He thinks I am stupid”
“Who the fuck is he?”
“I’ll show him.”
“How dare he.”
“What the hell did I do to him?”
“Who is he to judge me?”
“Am I really stupid?”
“How can I prove that I am worthy?”
“Fuck this shit he is an asshole.”
Yep. I am not sure what all of this is the result of but I still have those “hooks” built into me and all it takes is someone to walk by and say something and boom I’m off and running. Whatever.
I really don’t care what he meant by that. I’m sure he would have insisted that he didn’t mean anything, but you know what? It really doesn’t matter what was meant by it because it was fucking rude. The comment was belittling and condescending at best and it definitely had an affect on me.
No I didn’t confront him but I did talk to my office mate who insisted nothing was meant by it. In fact she even went as far as to try to take the insult upon herself which, for me, was just more proof that it was derogatory to begin with!
When I was in High School my math teach who remains nameless not because he doesn’t have a name but because he may not want to be associated with my writing (as creative and lucrative as it is) had a picture of snoopy or lucy or some such peanuts character saying “Make sure the brain is in gear before engaging mouth.”
I am not sure how most people deal with situations like this but my first instinct is anger and frustration. The next thought is that I have to find another place to work! I’m no good and they all know that I suck in every way possible and I will never amount to anything in my life. How freaking crazy is that?
I really gotta work on my filter. If this guy thinks that I am less-than that is his shit and there is nothing I can do about it to change it. God I really think I have a mutant ego or something…
The real hit…the real display of hope and recovery is the fact that I am going to work today and will keep going no matter what happens because no matter how ashamed I may feel about myself at times I must keep trying no matter what.
I will not give up on myself or others. To this day I still believe ‘we are all in this together’ and I have to work harder to understand myself and in doing so I will be able to be there for others. Yes, even the people I don’t want to be there for because God knows there are certainly aspects of the self that I don’t want to acknowledge…