Blog

It is here and then it’s gone. Just that quick…I can’t even begin to start writing about my vacation so far…I have done so much this week it is amazing. So many friends, so many feelings, so I guess I’ll just focus on what I can and leave the rest for the Gods. Come walk with me on Venus…Venus

It’s hot man. I’m burning up….I can feel it building up…mmmm…yea…just sitting here listening to the Drive By Truckers. Good times. Good Music. The fucking heat…man it’s hot…I’m in the mix man. As a good friend once said “You’re in it Aaron.” “You are doing it…” I guess we all are…OK here we go…

I am always trying to find meaning in things. Trying to make up for lost time or maybe just get the most out of what is left of this life. I recognize the fact that not everything has meaning especially the meaning I apply. Not everything has to have a purpose especially one that I understand.

Where the fuck do I fit with women? Hell screw women. Where do I fit with woman. Many is too complicated what about just one? Is there one? Is the problem me? What part of me doesn’t attract to me what I am looking for? What the hell am I looking for? Am I just looking for what you are looking for?

I don’t know.

I’ve been said no to and I’ve said no to. Some have said yes and I have said yes. We have all tried. We all did our best with the tools we have been given. We have all done the best work we could do given the situations at hand. We lived, loved and hated all in the same breath. The givers and takers of life and love…We are all responsible…

So stuck in the delusion it always has to be more than just a physical response. My heart races and I feel vulnerable. I thought it was her and it was all the hers in my life. They are all there creating a blueprint or maybe more of a map of my love-line. Everything means something else and I am usually left feeling pretty angry and not me. Paralysis sets in and I can no longer communicate.

What’s wrong Aaron? Are you OK?

Yes. Everything’s fine.

Part of the game is that you can’t talk about the game ( I lived this idea long before Chuck P.’s book). If you have to tell someone what is going on they don’t love you enough. Unrealistic…Fight Club

Take for instance this one woman that I dated. She was from Pughkeepsie NY. I was doing something online and noticed a search example and it had mentioned that place. Immediately I thought “Wow. That is a sign!” Maybe and maybe not…Hell I figured that was a pretty random place and to use that as a search example was pretty unique. The point is, if there is one, is that it meant something to me in my current context. Oddly it helped me stay fixed on my path at the time.

We’ll find what were looking for every single time. Pain, pity, despair, joy, happiness, freedom, isolation on and on…If we keep looking we will find the evidence in our lives, but the true nature of what we want is exactly what we get in the end. Oh yea…true nature is a mother fucker. It is the gift that keeps on giving. Landing me in the same relationship over and over again and finally revealing to me that the only thing that is common in ALL of my relationships is ME! Nineteen: Me @ Nineteen

So what is my struggle? What’s my major malfunction? I remember back to being 15 or so. I was sitting in a car on a double-date with Lynn and I was so afraid. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should kiss her or seek out medical help for the heart attack I was about to have. People talk about butterflies but I have a nuclear war going on in my stomach. My palms are sweaty and I just can’t move. The older couple in the front seat are waiting for me to make a move. They think I am so lame because I am not. I think I am lame because I am not sure if she wants me to do this. I want to ask her if it is OK first, but I don’t know how to say it and know that I will ruin the mood if I ask first…Just get out of the car Aaron and walk to your door.

I think she walked me to my door and I kissed her. Not really the point here…What sucked was the fear….The unknowing….and not being willing to give of myself emotionally. Allowing myself to become vulnerable. Shit I was freaking young!

Fast forward twenty years later and it’s the same shit. Women drive me crazy. It is like I have this program that engages, the DESIRE function.

char * desire( char *woman )
{ }

I have no control over this function and my desire is implemented based on all sorts of factors that I cannot describe nor control. I do know that the desire function is most definitely engaged based on attraction and that is based on whatever it is based on…

I don’t know man. I am just trying to say it is hard. I am still that naive scared kid in these situations…My response most often is FUCK YOU, but I am trying to show up for myself. I know in my heart that there is a woman out there for me. I haven’t found her but when I do I know she will take my sweaty hand and comfort me enough to let me know to make my move.

I have faith and trust in this process. I have faith and trust in my friends and family. I love and am loved. I am a really fucking good person with a great heart. I just have to hang in there and remember that things will work out. Things will work out much better than I could ever plan it…

Wow man…when you realize that it not about other people but about yourself and how you relate to you a new door opens up some fear sets in but it sparks the light to a new level of joy. Sunset

I love you guys…thanks for being there for me…I’m sunburn but inside I am healing more and more everyday.

Walk with me back to a place where it isn’t so dammed hot…Screw Venus I’ll stay on Earth where I can eat cereal, watch movies, rock-climb, and ride my bike…