Is it possible? Am I stupid? Have I gone as far as I can go with my current mind? Is it the end? And just was does being stupid mean to me?
I know I beat myself up a lot. People tell me I put to much pressure on myself and I don’t deny that but where would I be if I didn’t put that type of pressure on myself? Wow! Lets catalog two different scenarios one with me putting pressure on myself and one with me not.
One:
I am trying to do something I have never done and people are waiting for me to finish. I start to take my time and then start to get nervous that I am taking to long and someone will find out that I am an idiot and I don’t know what I am doing (not that I ever claimed to). A couple of problems later and my whole body is tingling. It is the end of the world. I am not going to be able to figure it out and I am going to have to enlist the help of smarter more competent people. Yes I have once again invalidated myself. I am useless. I ask for help and someone points out a simple error, no big deal. PROOF! I am an idiot. That is just what I was looking for evidence of just stupid and worthless I am. Why carry on? Why bother I am just a failure anyway and in the end it will all end terribly. I finish what I am doing with all of the evidence that I need to continue to hate myself.
Two:
I am patient with myself and short-circuit the thoughts of how stupid I am. When I get to a sticking point I take a break and get some water. If after sufficient scrutiny I still cannot figure it out I enlist the help of a colleague and present the problem in a clear and concise manner. I am not stupid nor irrelevant just trying to figure out what the problem is. If a colleague points out something that I overlooked I am NOT stupid actually I am smart because I had the wherewithal to know that my view was too subjective to see the problem. Once I have the information I can continue on and finish the work knowing that I didn’t do it alone but together with the help of others. I carry on after work helping others with issues they may be having.
Hmm I wonder which one is gentler on the spirit? I am sick and effing tired of hating myself. I am tired of treating myself like the enemy. What does it take to realize that I don’t have to live like this?
This is a process and some of us just need to be broken down in order to be built back up.
=)