That is just how it goes. Sometimes it feels real good and sometimes it feels real bad. The only thing that is constant is the change and the fact that as long as I stay clean I will feel.
I feel sorry for people who carelessly hurt others. It won’t be easy for them when they realize their part in everything they do. I know it hasn’t been easy for me to accept my part, but as painful as it is I don’t have to make it worse. The fact is that I struggle especially when I have given of myself.
The most sacred thing that I have is myself and I guess the reality is I am not willing to give it away. I fucking hated High School. I was the fucking kid that EVERYONE mad fun of. I was the ass fuck everyone hated. Day in and day fucking out I heard it from everyone how much I sucked the balls of many monkies. When they stopped talking I just kept right on where they left off.
Now, in life, and in recovery I have to deal with the same shit clean. I fucking hate it. I am not who I was then but I am certain I haven’t healed from all of the shit that happened to me back then.
It really is amazing how the disease of addiction affects me, and just how insane my thinking is at times.
So sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.