OK. I know I have talked about this a lot but I am here again and it is true for me…I feel good. So much has happened over the past few weeks. So many feelings so many reactions and so much pain. I don’t know if any of it is “normal” but it is just what happened.
Slowly I stopped participating in all of the activities that helped me…I didn’t stop doing them but I stopped being there when I did them. My attitude and perspective slowly changed until the only perspective I had involved my demise.
Thank god I have really good friends in my life, people who really care for me. Thank god I have a higher power in my life who has *always* been there for me even when I shook my middle finger defiantly at him.
I am really glad that I didn’t loose someone that is really close to me. Sometimes the only way to see clearly is when you are looking back. Maybe that is bullshit but it is true for me in this instance. It is good to be in love. Love doesn’t mean there isn’t work. Sometimes it means there is even *more* work.
For the first time in a long time I feel connected to a power greater than myself. I have faith that if I keep my life about him and not me I will be OK. The more I make things about inner peace and not my own selfish will the more smoothly things go. End of story. I am not interested in living my life anymore. Anytime it is about me it becomes about thought and struggle and pain.
All of that said work, recovery, and relationship are all in balance-just for today.