OK. OK. It has been torture. I am not doing well. I have been afraid that I am just not showing up for my new job in an appropriate way. Working like a maniac and it seems the more I work the worse I feel about myself. The more I put in the less I get out. Not because that is how things work in terms of input and output, but because that is how things work when you are an addict that is trying to use your job.
I have gone through all of my old unhealthy ways of showing up: working long hours, being judgmental, being close-minded, and afraid of the unknown. Doing these things has affected my well-being in that I haven’t been going to meetings and when I do I just sit there and judge everything. So now everything is a struggle. Even the thought of going to the grocery store is a debate on whether I really want to go or not. This is just what happens to a life out of balance.
I really need help. I can’t tell you how scared I have been this weekend. I have been thinking about using but that isn’t really what I am afraid of. I am afraid of me. I am afraid of all of the things that are still inside me: the feelings of self-degradation, isolation, despair, and hate. All of the things I felt at one point or another when I was a child. All of the ways all of the adults in my life didn’t show up or showed up in some fucked up way. Now I am an adult and I can’t stand myself or the world around me unless I choose to do what I need to do to keep my life in balance.
Friends have been calling me because they care about me. Why do they care about me more than I care about myself? I just want to give up and they won’t let me. They love me. Not in some fucked up get-what-you-can kind of way but in a way that symbolizes a recognition of the pain and struggle that I am going through.
Addiction is definitely a disease and one that I struggle from. I can’t even believe just how real this thing is because right now it has me but just for today I have a choice to do what I need to do to treat this disease. I am not responsible for the disease but I MUST be responsible for my recovery. No one can do this for me I MUST do it for myself but NOT by myself.
Off to a meeting right now.