Seems like forever…I just haven’t been writing about all of my wonderful adventures…I suppose I just haven’t been taking the time to stop and write down just what exactly is going on…Maybe I’m afraid? Maybe I just don’t want to stop? Maybe stopping is an admission of defeat? Or maybe stopping will actually allow me to feel. To sit and soak up all of the feelings in their totality?
Time is one thing but the real reason is that I haven’t wanted to write. I just wasn’t ready to start talking about what has been going on with me. I’m not even sure I really know now but I’m willing to jot some stuff down. Being willing is a really good place to start…
To belabor the point…maybe it is because I just wait to actually have something to say. It takes time to learn life’s lessons and the processing of such can be fucking painful. I’m still so hurt by my loss. I don’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t want it to be true that my heart was totally ripped out and handed back to me. It’s just happened so many times already. So many times and I always end up alone. It’s me sitting type-type-a-typing about my woes. Loss is not fun.
I remember my friends Jodi and Niki. They were a couple and I just loved them so much. They accepted me an appreciated me for who I was but something changed there too and they kicked me out. I remember how I felt when they wouldn’t talk to me anymore like everything had ended. There is a big long story but it isn’t important. I just felt empty inside like I had lost something that would never be able to get back.
I know it is for the best but I can’t help but feel bad. Hell I’d rather go through the feelings now rather than 10 years from now. Sometimes I wish I could just through a feelings detox and get it all out at once. It certainly would help me get on with things, but I know that isn’t how it works.
I just don’t know what it is about love and me. I was talking to a friend the other day and he said “Aaron you are just really unlucky in love…” To that I replied “You can say that again.”
Coasting along and then suddenly I’ll get the thought of her and that is when the pain creeps in. Of course my only thoughts are that everything in her life is perfect and she is totally and completely happy without me. I even start to imagine the day that I’ll see her walking down the street with some other dude. At that point I envision myself being alone with a whole bunch of nothing going on.
I’m always ready and waiting but nothings ever happening.
I’m simply not wanted. Or maybe I’m just not understood? I really don’t know. I’m not trying to sound like a baby here but I just don’t understand this area of my life and why whenever something starts to work out it gets all fucked up.
Work in progress I guess…but Qi is food for thought.
I was talking to my friend David and he was talking about the concept of Qi and how important it is. He explained to me that you must match people equally with respect to Qi. If they give you little you give them little and that results in balance. Woah what a fucking concept. In most areas of my life that is exactly how I am, but when it comes to women not so much. They give me a little and I start building a house.
My Qi is too strong.
I’m working on balance.
“Focus one point in the mirror if you blink your eyes you might loose the balance.”
Well I’m thankful for my friend David and all of the wise help he has given me over the years. I’m also thankful for all of my friends that remind me constantly that I am worth it and things will work out.