I had a few interesting conversations today. There was more than a few times I said to myself “Wow that was weird”, or just got that strange feeling as I was speaking. Sort of like where the hell are you going with this Aaron.
Anyway I spoke a lot today. Had a two hour meeting at work, went out for dinner with people from work and vendors. Talked on the phone during the walk to the meeting. Talked at the meeting, and then talked after the meeting.
I don’t really know how it happens but sometimes people can be so cutting and not even really know it. I wonder if I am like that? I would tend to think not seeing how adversely it affects me, but I could be wrong.
So I was talking to this person and he said to me “You need to be more precise.” Bang. That cut through me, but I just let it ride. It hurt yes, but it wasn’t so bad. I really was trying to explain myself, but we are talking about feelings here and well they are not so precise. I was just beginning to describe a concept, or idea, that I had just written about the night before.
Anyway the whole point was fucking lost anyway because he thought it was a belief I had when I was just trying to relay an idea. Whatever. The real issue is why do situations like this make be feel bad? It should be OK for someone to question me on anything, but why do I feel attacked? I was pretty graceful in this situation but in the same situation at other time I have totally flipped out or acted like a baby.
So the answer is there is no fucking precision. You can have your little calipers or your measuring devices, but in the end it is all bullshit. OK it might make a difference when you are machining a piece of metal but when you are talking about your experience lets remember to nurture one another’s ideas not pour gasoline on them and set them on fire.
In conclusion: I won’t have to be precise if others would be willing to be less rigid.
Why is it me? Why am I always fucking tasked with changing for everyone else’s life? All my fucking life it has always been me who had to change. Me. Me. Me. What the fuck?
Aaron you should be more vocal.
Aaron you should have done this…
Aaron you should have done that…
Aaron this
Aaron that
Give me a break. I just never learned how to stuff the bullshit people feed me right back in their face. All I learned in life was to sit there an freaking take it, and even that I didn’t do very well.
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No wonder I feel totally wrong. Most of my formative years people said I did everything wrong. Hell, even if they didn’t say that to me I said it to myself enough to believe it in the end. Doesn’t matter where it came from I just have to work to make it stop.
I dunno…I am gonna keep writing, keep processing, keep going to meetings, keep working with my sponsor, and not use no matter what.