I am always trying to find the right title for a post. I generally write it before I write the content and I guess it serves as a guide or something to keep me on track. I’m writing this post without a title so I guess I’ll let the content be a guide for the title.
And there it is…Opinions…
Yep…just like assholes everyone’s got one. Unless of course your body was severed in two by one of those nifty wires that stop jets landing on an aircraft carrier. I’m sure there are other ways to not have an asshole but I’m not going to catalog them here. What an interesting thought: What if someone that didn’t have an asshole was an asshole? Ahh we’re all assholes in one way or another.
I think being severed in half is probably one of the few reasons which allow one to be an asshole. This is quite a funny concept since it requires loosing your the one you had to begin with…
Whatever.
Opinions…right…seems like I have just been full of them lately. I have been noticing that I’ve been pretty quick to come back when someone is being an ass or I want to be an ass. Sometimes I feel like I am not entitled to my opinion but I know that is bullshit. I think what is more at play is me not wanting to create conflict and refuse to share my point of view.
I’m open with my friends and have healthy boundaries. My opinion has no bearing on anyone’s reality other than my own. I love how the definition starts out with “belief or judgment…” and also contains the word “insufficient”. Seems like opinions are fairly fallible-unlike the pope with respect to doctrine.
White smoke.
Yet my opinions are important because they say something about me, who I am, what I believe in, and what’s important to me. I have struggled for years to find “my voice” and this is just another step along the staircase. I’m sure my opinions are going to push people away and I am also sure that others opinions are going to push me away…
I’m realizing that a relationship isn’t the solution but it would dammed sure be a great distraction right about now. I know that I can’t expect someone else to fill the void that I feel at times but it the best way that I know to curb the feeling. Sometimes I think to myself “If I just had x I would be OK.” I know it is bullshit but I think it anyway…
A friend told me I was too nice the other day. I know what he meant and it wasn’t a harmful statement at all and I didn’t take it that way but I did start thinking about it…
What does it mean to be “too nice”? I thought about how it may or may not have applied to me. Yes I’m pretty forgiving. I do my best to not create conflict. Here is the thing I grew up in an environment where I always thought I was going to get hurt. Most of the time the stuff never happened it was ALL in my head, but I would worry myself sick thinking about what the people around me were thinking! This person, that person, everyone…my head would get so loud and then if there were an actual issue say with someone at school or something I would obsess about it to the point of complete distress.
All I am saying is that I know what it is like to be so completely consumed with by your thoughts and yourself. It really sucks. I suppose me being nice is multifaceted but for the most part it is pure. It is clear, precise, and instructive. Most importantly it is the way I would like to be treated. What is really enlightening is the realization that the way we treat others is, well, a subset of the way we treat ourselves.
Sometimes I am nice to myself and sometimes I am a complete prick. For the most part I’m OK with who I am. What I don’t want to do is spread around the same toxic negative shit that I grew up in. I don’t want to make ANYONE feel the fear, insecurity, and doubt that I was spoon feed by society. I want to make people feel comfortable and relaxed in my presence. Shit screw everyone else! I want all of those things for myself, but in the process of me taking care of myself everyone around me reaps the rewards also…