Argh. Bollocks. I feel like I should be writing about the inauguration, but forgive me for being present about the past. What is really funny is I was sending a message to an ex-girlfriend on facebook when after I finished writing to her I thought about another girlfriend and wondered “Gee she is probably on facebook too.” OK wait just a minute…ahh forget it it doesn’t matter…
So back to my wonderful thought: and into the glorious search box I typed her name and out came several pages of women with the same name as her but she was third. And then more thoughts came “Wow she is beautiful. What the hell was I thinking? Am I an idiot?” I started feeling pretty bad pretty quickly. I thought about calling my sponsor, calling a friend, calling someone, but then I settled on lighting some candles and listening to some good music and writing (if you can call this writing).
I think it is funny that I feel like I screwed up because I looked at her picture and thought: “I should have given her another chance. I should have given myself another chance.” All because of a smile in a picture…that beautiful face…elegant…yep that is what she was until she wasn’t. She’s that again as true as true, but her an me always equals the bluest of blue.
Honestly though this one really stands out because it was the first time in my life that I asked for what I needed and used my voice to create change. I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to ask for what I need especially from the women in my life. I try so hard in relationships that I start to implode from the pressure. I’m not sure if that is what I did in this one. I know that we tried, but I suppose there is more to it than that more than what either one of us had to give. Maybe my sadness comes from the potentiality that it was me that wasn’t willing to give anymore.
I haven’t even gone on a single date since we broke up. Sometimes I wonder if someone cast a spell on me. I mean it has been well over a year! Shit probably even longer…AAHHAAHH. Sometimes potentiality seems so much better than what we have until all we have is our self and then we want something different again. I really really don’t know but I do know that all the things I felt in that relationship were worth it and I don’t see anything different happening, but that doesn’t minimize the importance of it in my life.
The moral of this story is don’t listen to my advice unless you are looking for ways to end up alone and out of love :)…