I figure this is my last ditch effort to stay alive. I just can’t take this anymore. I feel so hopeless and I can’t seem to get out of it. I am sitting here at work in complete despair. How the hell can someone that is depressed eat? I am eating a sandwich. I probably shouldn’t be writing this shit in my journal. Well it is what it is I decided that I wanted to use while sitting at my desk at work. I haven’t and that is good I guess but it seems like I am not going to make it through this without using. I guess I have finally come to my breaking point. I know there is another way but I don’t know if I can make it through using that way this time.
I will tell you it really sucks to feel like this. I feel like my feelings are taking control of my whole body. I can’t even sit and think without this feeling of depression and sadness. I think everyone hates me all because I hate myself.
So I left my desk with the full intention of using, but I figured I should call someone to let them know that I was going to get high. No one answered and then I went to the store to get something to eat because I didn’t want to use without telling someone first. I guess I really don’t want to use. FUCK. How shitty is this effing disease? I am not going to blame this on my 4th step but I am really hitting some feelings that seem to be twisting me apart.
I just need SOME relief for the way that I am feeling. PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!