There was a rule at the half-way house I went to which if broken lead to banishment from the house. The rule was “No agressive or threatening behavior.” This included: raising your voice, standing during group, swearing at someone, and anything else that could be construed as threatening.
I recognize the fact that you must maintain order in a half-way house, but I guess I couldn’t see it any further than that. Recently there have been people in my life that, in my mind, deserve beatings. Acting out on these types of thoughts would lead to my arrest and potential banishment from society, albeit temporarily.
Anyway at the house it was simple. Act aggressive and you get thrown out. I am really grateful for that rule since now I see how it applies in society also. I cannot stop my mind from wanting to take a bite out of someones throat but I can stop myself from doing it. I am evolved, but god it is so hard.
I am by no means a tough guy, but I grew up in an environment where I constantly didn’t stand up for myself which has resulted in an environment where I think I always have to beat other people down to protect myself. What a shitty cycle. Argh.
Just accepting things are the way they are reguardless of how I feel is where I need to be right now.
I finally did some step work tonight! Yay!