The past few days it has seemed like I am just completely ineffective. I am getting things done but I just feel useless. At work it feels like I am no good and I have been constantly feeling less than. I keep saying to myself “You have been doing this stuff for almost fifteen years and you still don’t know that?” or “OH my God they definitely know that you are stupid now…”
People are more than willing to give you a break when you mess up but you have no control over what goes on in their head as they walk away.
I was thinking about this yesterday and I suppose what it boils down to is that I am a generalist. And not even a very good one at that. Sure sometimes I am quick but most of the time I have to look things up and investigate what is going on before I can come up with an answer. I suppose it is wrong of me to think that others don’t have similar struggles, but shit man I want to be unique. I want to cry a river. I want everyone to feel sorry for me! 🙂
No it isn’t that, well, maybe it is a bit, but as I was going to bed the other night I said to myself: I want to start working towards something. I don’t want the quick fixes which last two minutes. I want something that I can start investing in…Without that life seems pretty boring. It is like this guy Reggi said : If you are going to the gym just to work out that is pretty pointless. You need to have a goal or a reason.
I suppose the same is true with life in general.
I am goalless…
I feel the need to comment on the fact that my ex called me and left me some silly message about her leaving on Friday. Leaving? I didn’t even know she was coming?!? There was no message describing anything just a little pearl of hope. My nature of course wanted me to return calls and figure out what was going on, but thank god for recovery. If someone isn’t willing to be direct and tell me what is going on and where they are going to be then I am definitely not going to go out of my way to be available for them. I stopped playing cloak and dagger just about seven years ago.
What is really funny is that she called me about twenty times on a Friday just before I was going out on a date with another woman. I will tell you she (my ex) is totally connected to me in that respect. There were several occasions where I was about to go on a date with another woman (when she and I were broken up) and she would call. Normally it would put an end to what I was going to do, but I wouldn’t allow it this time.
I have spent enough time doing the same shit and getting the same dammed results. It is time to start making new mistakes and moving on. This isn’t about hurting her it is about loving me and doing what is best for me…
I am nothing but an idea to most women. My mother created me and like God she made me in *her* vision. Lots of women talk about wanting a man just like me but for some reason or another I end up being their last choice.
In the wise words of my friend Sarah H. spoken through the mouth of my friend Quintana “Sarah always said life with Aaron would never be boring…” This after she picked me up in North Hollywood running around with a brick in my hand totally freaked out…
Maybe I am still confused or just simply becoming jaded…For your viewing pleasure here is a picture of me at work.
Shadow