I woke up on Sunday feeling pretty crappy. The emptiness sitting in the bottom of my stomach like, well, emptiness. It was too early to really call anyone so I just read some email and tried to go back to sleep. Eventually I called my buddy Barry and we talked a bit and I told him what had happened on Saturday. He’s a clinician so I asked him if he could refer me to someone in the Cambridge/Boston area. I guess I just think that I’ve gone as far as I can go alone with this.
I called up my old therapist John and he found some time for me this Friday night. At first I asked him if he knew anyone in this area and when he said “No” I was like “why the hell don’t I just go see him?” I mean he knows my story and I’ll only have to catch him up on the past few years.
So that is that I’ve made the call. I think it will be good for me to process this in a therapeutic environment. Shit I really don’t know what else to do and I know that I could just move on but that is what I always do and nothing really changes. All in all I think it will be great to not only talk about the breakup but to talk about teacher training and my life choices.
It’ll be good. I like going up to Newburyport. It is nice to remember just what happened there to me and my life. How everything changed one day at a time and I learned the skill necessary to live in this world without drugs. Man sometimes it is so easy to forget just where I came from and what I actually had before all of this. Way back when when I was incapable of feeling, having, or wanting. When everything was the same three or four hours at a time.
I’m a big shot now. Getting into relationships, having feelings and all of that adult-like stuff. It’s a different pain but pain all the same. As much as I still long for the fuck-you attitude of drug addiction this side is a much better place to be. Eventually we all have to grow up…shitty 🙂