So much has happened…time has passed…You only have a day…one day. Once it happens there really isn’t much more to it. It has happened, the day has passed, and there are new times to come. That doesn’t mean the things that passed aren’t important but it takes time and energy to look back at them and at the same time focus on what is going on in the present.
I try to do so much. I want to be there for everything but I simply can’t. As one thing strives another suffers. Ebb and flow. Focused and head-strong I did my absolute best at work this week. I tried my hardest focusing every ounce of energy I had all week on work. Meanwhile all of the other stuff that requires my attention started to suffer. Drama. It isn’t like all of those “other” things require me, but more like *I* require them. You see it is through those other things that I derive my own meaning. *I* become through those things and the more consistent that I am with them the more I allow myself to be in all my excellence. Work is undeniably part of that collection of things but it is not the sum total. Which is a perfect explanation as to why I feel the way I have this weekend. I allowed my life to get out of balance with work and now I feel disconnected and alone.
Work begets work.
It all starts out so innocently. “I have to figure this stuff out and understand.” “There is light at the end of the tunnel.” The thing I never consider is how I am going to feel about myself when something goes wrong or I find myself not satisfied by the work I have done. Or even worse: if I can’t figure it out myself. I always wanted to be somewhere where I could ask for help and get some guidance but if I am unwilling to receive the guidance what is the point?
I’m willing. I’m willing. There is just that desire to excel. I want to do better but why do I convince myself that means throwing my life out of balance and actually becoming less productive?
What’s missing? Is there some piece in life that I am missing? Is there some connection that I just don’t get? Is there something inside of me that makes me different or is everyone like this? I suppose it doesn’t really matter but shit man it makes for such chaos. Like always I am grateful that I have a program in my life that makes me aware of this stuff before my life spirals out of control, but only if I choose to take some action. Life can only meet me so far…
This, that, and the other thing.
You see if I allow it to my disease will take from me the things that actually give me life. My sponsor once said “Aaron you tied the knot so all you have to do is untie it.” Very empowering…I remember when he said that and I was at work struggling to figure something out. All I said to myself was “Just stop. You have to stop.” When you’re locked in the grip of obsession it is really tough to let go, but in the end it is the only thing that will actually set you free. If that is counter-intuitive to you then there is a good chance you are just like me and so many others…
The good news is there is a way out, but only if we are willing to let it in…
Let go or be dragged. It’s a choice.