Argh…I just need a little bit more. It seems like the harder I try the worse it gets. I really beat myself up a lot. All of my friends let me know it too and I am thankful for that.
I was having trouble at work yesterday and asked my friend for help and then really started beating myself up. I was mad that I had to ask and after I asked mad because I said some things that were silly. Then I really started in on myself:
You are no good.
Fifteen years of work and you still suck.
Might as well give up because you suck.
She thinks you are stupid.
You think you are stupid.
You are stupid.
Twenty or so minutes of that is likely to affect anyone spirit. Ahh. I did my best. I made some errors and my co-worker helped me through that. When I was restating the problem I said some things that were untrue and she helped me through that too. Each time I got madder and madder because I was wrong.
What is really funny is that being wrong isn’t the problem. Sometimes I feel like I am wrong wholly and totally wrong. Nothing I can do is ever good enough no matter how hard I try. What a completely shitty feeling.
Anyway I was embarrassed by the way I acted. I am so afraid of being judged. I don’t want people to think that I am stupid and that I don’t know what I am talking about, but in the past I have judged others and that is why I fear being judged. Suffering the consequences of my own actions. 🙁
I went to bed last night after climbing and I literally had to yell at myself. I had to say get over it and it is OK. Grow Up. I can’t change what people think of me but I can change the way that I think of myself. One thing that I have to start accepting is that from time to time I will go through this. This, for me, is one thing and one thing only the disease of addiction. Cunning, baffling, and powerful…It just rips through everything screaming for me to give up and stop trying.
And I thought it was all about the drugs…Silly me…
Just for today I am nothing more than I am. Others are nothing more than they are. We are all the same…