I’ve got some stories, but no time to write about them now…I do have time to talk about a message I got from a childhood friends on facebook.
“From your photos, it seems like you are in a really happy place in your life. We are happy for you. Time has surely treated you well…”
At first I read this and was like “OH that is cool”, and then I read it again and was like “Holy shit that is cool…” It really hit me just how nice it was and how it helped me see the reality of how my life has changed.
Sometimes I so focused at the wheel of life I don’t take any time to pull over and stretch my legs and look around. Thinking back to my childhood and the reality then, that everyone hated me, wasn’t necessarily true, but it often felt like that. Some of my peers were always unconditionally nice to me and others were unconditionally mean either way I got A LOT of attention. Good or bad I needed it just like the drugs in the end. Huh. I never really thought about it like that. Wow. Either way throughout my childhood I always felt something.
One thing I know to be true is that I just wanted to be accepted. I wanted my peers to like me. I wanted to like me! I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be whatever they wanted. I wanted anything that would get me closer to that goal. I was taught as a kid to pray and I prayed to god for those things and when I didn’t get them I started praying to the devil. And when neither one of them came through I told them both to go fuck themselves.
Hey fuck them anyway I eventually found the real god-drugs.
And when that god took everything away from me, except the insatiable desire for the drug itself I finally surrendered. I surrendered to the drug, to myself, my peers, all of that shit.
One thing I learned in my childhood is that I can’t make people like me. I have no control over that. I only have control over myself and my actions. What I have learned later in life is that when you shine bright it attracts others to you just as their brightness attracts you to them.
So I thank my friends for thinking of me and sending me such a nice message to help me reflect… 🙂