Yesterday was one of those days where it seemed like everything I did was wrong. Each time I tried to address something it felt like I just did the wrong thing and created more and more of a problem. Sometimes it is hard to just sit with feelings. It is really helpful to talk with others and get support, but there is some merit to sitting with your feelings and allowing them to be what they are inside of you before processing (throwing them up) them.
I’ve been teaching full-time for the past 6 six and have come up against so many different feelings. Happiness, Sadness, Anger, Despair, Frustration, Contentment, Grief, Serenity, and Gratitude to name a few. It isn’t easy to be a teacher. It is a hard job, but it is also the most rewarding. As a Bikram teacher I definitely strive to teach the way that I was taught by my Guru Bikram Choudhury. There are no exceptions no dilution and no changes. With respect to Bikram’s yoga his way is the right way no exceptions! I’m so glad to be in such a great community with amazing mentors who also think in this way.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with as a teacher is students being upset with me. It really isn’t fun when you know someone is pissed at you. But the reality is that they are not mad at me they are mad at themselves. They hate themselves and consequently take it out on the teacher. It’s fine and perfectly normal to do this as internal struggle is usually projected outward on the interpreted source of the struggle. In the class this is usually: teacher, heat, person next to you. It’ll be whatever the student wants it to be.
So how do I deal with this as a teacher? I go back to the source – Bikram. I remember back to the classes that were the hardest for me in teacher training and recall how Bikram taught them. We had one class where I thought I was going to die and I think in some respects so much of me did die during that class so that new parts of me could start to live. No matter what was happening in the class Bikram just kept on teaching. He NEVER gave up on us even after we had long given up on ourselves. At the time I had no idea what was actually happening and I said to myself “Why is he doing this to us?” And then that changed to “Why am I doing this to myself?”
As a teacher I’ve now seen if even only for a glimpse how hard it is to be steadfast and strong when you have a room full of people that appear to be dying in front of you. After having taught classes like this I could see just how much compassion Bikram has for us and everyone he teaches and how much he believes in his teachings. Hell the guy has been saying the EXACT same thing for the past thirty or forty years! Thats fucking dedication.
It’s lonely and sometimes I feel like I’m all alone. Standing for something can be lonely at times, but there are always others with the same beliefs or ideas. Even if there are not it doesn’t mean you cower and bow down to whatever other people want. Stand for something or fall for anything.
Being a teacher is not easy. It is a HUGE responsibility but I’m willing to stay true to my beliefs and not sacrifice what I’ve been taught is the right way. According to Bikram the right way is the hard way and that way is the way that works.