Man I just keep on pushing. Work has been crazy. Life has been crazy. Not really but it sounds pretty dramatic. I’m tired. I really thought I was going to die at yoga tonight. I wanted to die at yoga tonight. Why is it so fucking hard? Why is life so fucking hard? Simple questions I suppose for men other than myself.
I was grateful I was able to get to the meeting tonight and see some people I haven’t seen in awhile. We are all so dammed lucky to be alive and clean and living the dream that the program offers anyone who is willing.
Sigh.
I suppose there is no way this isn’t going to end up here in one form or another. This is really funny. I’ll set it up by saying I really appreciated the intention behind this and me and the person who said it to me definitely agree on the women in this country (they fucking suck). But you know what? I really don’t know what I’m talking about so don’t listen to me.
Anyway he comes up to me and says “Hey you have some money right? A job?” To this I replied “Sure.” He said “You have to go to Prague.” I laughed and said “Russia?!?” To this he smiled and said “Prague is in the Czech Republic.”
Oh.
Then I remembered my roommate from college, Rob. He had a foreign exchange student from Prague stay with us and he was Czech.
So that is what it has come to – Mail order brides? Better yet I could go there and find the “one”. Yes a nice American boy for the pretty Czech.
I think what is so funny about this is he said this to someone that refuses to use the Internet as a dating strategy. Nope. I just won’t do it. I would rather be alone. But hell if I happen to be in Prague, say, on vacation or something and I meet the women of my dreams, well, then I’ll import the whole lot of them!
Pimp-daddy-A
So I am lying on my yoga mat doing wind removing pose, wishing that I was dead, wondering how I was going to make it to the end, when I started to think about getting back up. How even when something hurts really badly we just dust ourselves off and get up. It isn’t easy but it is necessary.
Take for instance me and women. I’m at the meeting and there are a few women there that I have expressed an interest in, but in one way or another told me to screw. Then I go off to yoga and there are another two women there who have in one way or another done the same. Wow. That is pretty hardcore. It was a bit tough for me to be in class for the first few minutes. It was a breeding ground for my sorrow and self-pity. Luckily for me I was so tired that I really didn’t have much going on in my head.
What is really funny is that I often here guys talk about the awkward feeling of being in a room with multiple women that they have slept with. Yep. That’s definitely not my story and I’m not looking for it to be either. Sex is the one thing that I can never take back. A piece of myself that gets left with the other person and vice-versa. All I am saying is that it means something…
Ahh who knows? Maybe it is all bullshit that I am slinging because I am just a scared thirty-five year old? I really don’t know. I would like to stand up and put my hand on my heart and recite some moral bullshit but we both know that is just moral bullshit. What I believe is that it isn’t easy to find someone to trust, someone that appreciates you, and you appreciate. It isn’t easy to not try and curb the pain that loneliness creates by making a bigger hole in your soul. Take a taste of the thing that causes the pain the first place…
In the end I just listen to the teacher and do the next posture. I still thought I was going to explode it was so hot. I just had to keep breathing and remind myself that it would end soon and if I could finish this I could finish anything.
I’m grateful for the people that are in my life and offer me the comfort I need when I don’t even realize I need it. You see I keep asking, seeking, searching for a specific thing and all around me are examples of love working in my life.
The gift of life is the present.
Thank you God…