It is like I just can’t stop. I feel like I am moving around but I don’t have any control. It is totally weird. Last night I was up really late and tonight I was setting myself up for the same shit. It is like my brain and body are in some sort of fight and I don’t really have any choice in the matter.
I was so tired last night but I stayed up until 3:30am messing around with calendaring in Drupal. I didn’t even get anything accomplished! I just sat there trying to figure out why certain posts couldn’t be seen in the ‘day’ view. Turns out to be something with the timezone and the fact that the select subtracts timezone seconds from the time. So something at 0010 11/21/2008 – 1800 seconds = 1910 11/20/2008 which would exclude it from the view. I don’t know and the point is that it really doesn’t matter. I don’t need to have a calendar on the site even if it is pretty cool :).
So what do I do? How do I break the cycle of being caught in the grip? Go to a meeting. Call my sponsor. Ask for help. Am I really sick of this behavior? Do I really want it removed from my life? Am I truly tired of being alone? Maybe it isn’t connected…
Ahh it’s the fucking yoga. Dammed shit has got me a itching. I’m shaking on the floor waiting for my fix. Ahh…that’s the spot. I’ll stop tomorrow. Gotta have something to right a wrong state of mind.
Yes yes yes sometimes the solution is worse than the problem itself. I love that saying, that truth. I’m fine…really…in it to win it.
Swirling around…
It seems like I am constantly doing something. In so many areas of my life always showing up always being responsible. And no I am not looking to be irresponsible. I suppose I am just questioning what it is all for? Am I responsible just for responsibilities sake? Does it give me some sort of relief? Is it just who I am? I don’t know. I do know when I slack off and become irresponsible it hurts. It hurts much worse than me making the decision to just be responsible in the first place.
I keep whining about being alone, but if I don’t know how to be with me then how the hell can I be with anyone else? Ah yes a valiant argument my friend! And to that I say what happens to the lad who learns how to be with himself too well? The guy that finds himself unable to be with anyone else because life has for one reason or another kept him alone. Not some lame attempt at isolation but a universal truth that is unable to be bent or shifted to suit his mortal taste.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Deleted drug story.
Truth is there are times like this where I feel really disconnected but strangely connected to my feelings. It is like there is something that just needs to come out and I have to let it. Writing, talking, reading, well not so much reading…I always feel better after these times but moving through them can be a pain. I really don’t feel bad, but I do feel sort of numb, and that for me is weird.
I guess I’m just hyp-know-tized.
I should get some sleep but I will probably watch another episode of Hero’s. Know. Know. Know. Until then I’ll be happy to be obscured by clouds…
obc