I’m a hack and I’m just no good
it seems to be understood
that I’m no good
I went real deep under the hood
and it was all no good
just no good
I took it apart and put it back together
in fair and nasty weather
but still no good
When all is said and done
I alone am the only one
holding this loaded gun
I’m just no good
There is someone so freeing in hating myself. I can’t tell you how much I hate who I am sometimes. I suppose that is improvement because I am sure there was a time that I hated myself all of the time or, even worse, wasn’t even aware of my own self-hatred. I work so hard to prove to myself and other how worthy I am but at the end of the day I know that it is a loosing battle.
I can’t trick myself into not thinking I am worthless. Just as the feeling of hate and worthlessness may or may not have been impressed upon me at some point in *my* life it became a belief for me. That belief has morphed into much of who I am today. I bust my ass so that people will give me a tha-dda-boy so that in some way I can feel worthy and better about myself. The funny thing about that is even when people give me those tha-dda-boy’s I still don’t believe them and sometimes I think I am even more worthless than before I started.
You cannot satiate and addiction.
I fripping hate myself today. I don’t always hate myself but I especially do when my life is not in balance. I have been out of balance by my own choice because I think I need to be out of balance to prove myself to others, but this isn’t about others it is about myself and the simple fact that I am not OK with who I am today.
I often make others responsible for my actions and I am grateful that today I can see the fact that it isn’t about other people but about me and my thoughts and actions. One of the hardest days in my life came about on the day I realized that *I* played an integral role in all of my relationships. Sounds simple but when it hits you like the way I am talking about it it changes your whole life.
Just for today I will be responsible throughout all of my relationships especially the one with myself.