Picture this….
I’m tying in to do the first climbing of the day and my friend Fil says “Hey Aaron I think that is Heather over there…” My stomach drops but since my back is turned I think I can just ignore it. I let him know that I thought she may be there because I know that she is back with her ex-boyfriend. Actually now I’m her ex-boyfriend and he is her boyfriend.
So I rope up and do the climb all the while I’m in my head doing my best to just focus on climbing. It was an easy climbing and I concentrated on good form, but my head was already plotting a course for painville and there wasn’t much I could do about it.
Fil wanted to do another route so we headed over there and he got roped in and I looked up and there she was getting ready to belay her boyfriend. First he is taller than me. OK I can handle that. Get your shit together Aaron everything is OK. Next I got to witness Heather eating something out of his hand. All smiles from her staring into his eyes like he was some sort of God. Probably not very different from the way she use to stare into my eyes. No not very different at all…He reached out to her and caressed her shoulder. She looked back and just smiled approvingly.
Me? Oh yea that is when I looked away. I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My insides felt like someone took a roto-tiller to them. Fil was trying to get my attention and I was just looking at him and I could feel it coming on quick. I told him I would be right back and went into the bathroom stall and just started balling. I’m not talking about a couple of tears-waterworks. On my knees hanging on to the john for dear life wondering, realizing just how painful it is to be let go. Worse than that how bad it is to be replaced by someone or something else.
I got my shit together and told myself to lock my fucking knee wiped off my eyes and walked back out there. And there was my friend Ingrid standing there as if she was purposefully placed there just for me. I walked over and gave her a hung and caught up a bit and then her friend came over and I got a hug from her too! My buddy Rich came over to check on me and I felt the connection that I was going to be OK.
I didn’t see either of them again this afternoon and was glad for that. I wondered a few times if she even knew that I was there. I wondered how she would feel to see me see her with him? I wondered if she would even care? I wonder if she has any idea just how much she hurt me going through her process?
Hell I didn’t even realize until today how much I had been hurt and that that hurt was still going on inside of me.
I called my sponsor. He is a guiding light in my life. He asked me the following question “Look at your past five relationships. Who ended it?”
Fuck.
“Me” I replied.
So this is the first time IN MY LIFE I have been dumped. It’s tough to be dumped by someone you are still in love with. One word: HEARTBROKEN (Is that two words?)
Here I am with my heart broken and an image of this 6’7″ dude feeding heather and caressing her shoulder and her looking at him like he is some kind of angel.
I wonder what they are doing right now? Are they in love? I’m pretty sure they are NOT thinking about me. Yet here I am a type-type-typing…
It isn’t like I want her back in my life, but I can’t help to acknowledge the feelings that I’m feeling. Seeing that was really tough and it hurt a lot. I’m struggling to find the reasons my Higher Power sees fit to move me in this direction. Maybe HP never wanted me going that way to begin with and this is just the clean up? I really don’t know…
Does anyone know when the pain will go away? Feelings are totally inconvenient sometimes. I’m obviously still really hurt by all of this maybe it is time for me to seek some outside help. I guess more will be revealed there.
Just another sorry sucker fooled by love left holding his broken heart wishing it were whole again.
The rest of the night was great I made a new friend and that is awesome. We both talked about what was going on in our lives. The kind of stuff normal healthy people do. Pretty cool.