I met my Dad and Sandra last night for dinner and afterwards walked over to REI to continue buying holiday gifts for myself :(. I don’t even remember all of the things that I bought but now my head is telling me I got overcharged. Anyway I did need to get a few items for a trip this weekend so I headed over to EMS to pick up a new cozy and a few other things.
As I was walking over to EMS (and before that too) I felt the need to go to the meeting. It didn’t come in the form of a need but more of a need to not go. I want to go home after. I have yoga tomorrow. This that and the other thing. The mental game that never ends…I said to myself “OH you can go to the meeting tomorrow.” And as I got to around Boylston and Mass Ave and I realized that what if I can’t go to the meeting tomorrow for some unknown reason? Tomorrow is fine but what about today? I can’t expect tomorrows plans to take me through today. Since if I forget about today I may just end up using and find myself in a real predicament.
It isn’t easy. There is no way to fill up the hole. The emptiness that is created by loneliness, isolation, and despair can only be filled with one thing-spirituality. I have felt so disconnected for the past few weeks. I am trying to make some changes in my life and change is not always easy but it is the struggle that brings the reward. I suppose over time I will learn that I don’t even have to struggle I can just accept things and not fight but it is an old behavior that I will have to work on (maybe even elect to have it removed :). One defect that I have noticed that I especially don’t like is the fact that I blame others for problems in my life. Maybe not directly and maybe some people in my life are just shitty but I know that I play a part in all of my relationships and that I am not perfect. I shouldn’t be mad at others because of what may or may not have happened to me throughout my life. I need to continue to work on my inventory and get that old shit out so that I can continue to grow.
In yoga class today the teacher asked us to focus on an affirmation. Mine was “to stop fighting”. It isn’t uncommon for me to get emotional during yoga class but it is usually at the end of class when my body and mind has been opened. This time it happened right at the beginning during breathing the second I thought of the affirmation. I AM SO TIRED OF FIGHTING. It is all I have ever known and something I expected I would have to do until the day I died. I know there is a better way. A way that will give rise to a more evolved self that is able to give and receive love. It is especially sad when you know there is a better way but you keep choosing the way that you know because it “feels” more comfortable.
How can I have the answers when I don’t even know the questions?