Lots of catching up with friends…
Man I hated myself today. I got totally caught up in obsession trying to try. The details don’t really matter but what does is that when I start running on my own juice things generally go badly. Luckily for me and other addicts all over the world there is a solution, actually several, another recovering addict and the program of __. Not going to mention it because I have no affiliation and plus I wouldn’t want anything I say here to give __ a bad name :).
It was cool to hang out with my friend tonight. We grabbed dinner and then hit a meeting, a recovery double-shot. There is nothing more comforting than a friend being there for you especially when you don’t even realize you need someone to be there for you in the first place!
It never fails that I get what I need in a meeting. Sometimes it is right in the beginning and sometimes at the end and hell sometimes it is at another meeting but I always here something that helps. Tonight I reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen in awhile and they laid it down for me just the way I needed to hear it. I am grateful for that!
(If the above paragraph makes any sense to you you are probably an addict!)
I am feeling better. There is just nothing I can do about me. I can’t study, earn, buy, sell, or drug myself into feeling better about myself. I have to just accept myself as I am. Take the good with the bad and do my best to show up under any and all conditions. It isn’t always easy…
Giraffe
A friend said one of the nicest things to me the other day. He was wearing a shirt that had the picture of a Giraffe’s face on it. He said whenever I wear this shirt I think of you because Giraffe’s have the biggest hearts. You know to get the blood around their body…
I heard what he was saying and then I heard what he was saying. If that is how I am perceived even by one person that I am a good man. I do have a good heart, a big heart. It is no mistake I am who I am. It is no mistake I don’t want others to feel the pain that I have felt. If there is *anything* I can do to make a life better that is what I want…
Man I spent so much time making so much harder for myself and others. The good news is that I can make different choices today. It isn’t just my choice it is everyones choice. We all have the ability to help ourselves by helping others…Wow that isn’t the first time that has been said…I think I’ll stop before I start sounding evangelical.
Perhaps I should end with a swear or three. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.