I can’t say I am anywhere near the title of this post, but I feel a bit better. This day was born from hell. I kept saying to myself that I was having a bad day and I said this to myself enough times to realize something: How could I have a bad day when the day wasn’t over yet? Whatever just a silly observation. I suppose, now, upon reflection I could sit down and think about the day and determine whether it was good or bad but what is the point to that?
I beat myself up so much. I am *never* good enough at anything and I hold my friend accountable for my inability to perform. I want to blame others for being better than me at things. Most of all I want to act like a child, pout and go the fuck home. I sense this shit and hate myself more for even feeling it, and how much it reminds me of being a kid.
Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that if I hated myself enough I would get better at whatever it was I was doing. I am so sick of hating myself. I wish I could just move on and be and not place so many expectations on myself.