We are who we are and I love my family. I am really grateful to have come from such loving and caring people. It isn’t a coincidence why I am the way that I am.
Most of the time I just take things at face value. I don’t really think too much about how I’m suppose to feel or this or that, but lately I haven’t been showing up at home. I haven’t been practicing those things I practiced in early recovery like going home on a regular basis.
My Dad remarried years ago and it is just now seems like we are all connecting and going on a trip together. I’m not saying trips are necessary but…
I went to visit my Dad today and what really pissed me off was all I could think about was myself. I kept thinking about not wanting to catch their cold and how it would affect my life and this and that. Still, I should give myself some credit since even though I was thinking that stuff I stayed and did my best to show up.
It is out of my hands. I can’t control this shit so I had better stop trying or things are going to get really hard really quick.
I think I’m willing to accept help from people but…argh…
You know what my Dad and I are doing our best and I think we have a really good relationship. I am grateful for the relationship we have forged int he past seven or so years. I am also grateful for the love he and Sandy share and how much she cares about me too. I really appreciate that and the fact that she sees so much in me. My problem is accepting that and believing it myself. Sigh…
Alone until I die. I had a thought the other day: A lonely heart is the unbroken heart. I thought about myself. I thought about how fucking incorrigible I can be and how that is where the real true loneliness lies in the heart that won’t just break so it can grow back stronger.
There is just nothing that can be done. You can’t force it. You can’t make it happen. You just have to wait with a hope that you’ll be there when it gets there. Otherwise it’s just loneliness and a whole bunch of stuff without meaning. Let’s hope I don’t miss my mark. I wonder if it will make a difference if I’m standing there with both middle fingers blazing screaming F you destiny it’s YOU who is to fucking late.
Yea baby lets un-break this heart and keep on keepin’ on with middle fingers a blazin’