So I had a couple of really weird dreams over the past two nights. I suppose I should start by saying that I recently got a replacement bed (the mattress was damaged). So here goes:
Last Last Night:
I was in some weird apartment and my mother was there…I had used and I was paranoid that she knew. I knew so the world knew. I suppose that is a belief of mine: If I know something then everyone else knows it too. I had my gear in my pocket and then all of a sudden there was a bag of it on my hand. I didn’t want to waste it so I went into the bathroom and put it on the sink. I had to leave the room to get a rig and when I went back in my mother had washed it all away. I was so pissed. I reached down into my pocket but it was all gone. There was nothing left except an empty feeling in my stomach. What was I going to do now?
I woke up.
Last night:
This was was really strange and I only remember the last part of it: I was walking in to what seemed to be an open field. There was a tree sticking up and there was this huge tiger in the tree. The tree had no branches it was just a trunk that went up and had to big branch paths that were not there. The tiger or maybe it was a female lion was in the tree and when I saw her I just turned around in hopes she wouldn’t attack me. What I really wanted or was moving towards was behind her and I don’t even remember what it was. For some reason I think it was another tree like a big mother fucker with huge roots and branches all over it so round and flourishing but with no leaves or anything just branches.
I got where I was going and then I started drawing. Someone was with me I think it was Kate but I am not sure. I was drawing a picture of E.T. I kept saying E.T. E.T. E.T. over and over and then I woke up.
When I actually got up I had a terrible feeling in my stomach. I got up and said to myself “What the hell is wrong with me?” I mean what has been going on lately is much more than just feeling down. Whatever is going on has been coming out at night and really messing with me during sleep. I can pretty much handle most things but that feeling I get in the bottom of my stomach that emptiness, fear, and anxiety is a real killer.
I am so sick and tired of beating myself up. I went for a walk this morning and just prayed to God to help me through this time in my life. I remembered back to when I was 18 and really struggled with Being. I feel like I am in a similar state that I am growing and it is painful. This time I have new tools and the ability to make different choices. I know who and what I am today and what I need to do to treat that on a daily basis.
I can’t control what people think of me, but I can control what I think and feel about myself. Please God help me to stop hating myself.