What to make of the day. Hmm. Well I don’t know. I did my best today. I spent a bunch of time learning some new things and remembering some old things. I talked to a few friends. I worked and then came home and watched a fairly disturbing moive called Down in the Valley. That movie is the winner of tonights subject. I can be a cowboy sometimes but damn he was pretty deranged but that is clear from the beginning. Well not totally…:> it’ll keep you guessing, or not.
OK really don’t like that last paragraph.
Lets start a new one. Right. I have been in a weird state at work lately but have been doing a good job of doing my job and not letting my emotions get the best of me. I am there to get the job done nothing more and nothing less. It is a good job and I really like it, but I have to remember there are others out there perhaps more in line with who I really what to be. I know that is vague but I am really not sure. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be. Who knows…I will just keep doing my best.
I have been putting a lot of effort into documentation and trying to define means by which our group can maintain effective documentation. I am not certain everyone will catch out but I am going to start living by some standards in an attempt to make my life easier.
It is so strange…I was six years older than Kate when we met. She was 18 and I was 24. It doesn’t seem so weird saying that now but I know that people had some problems with it. Shit a friend said to me “Aaron she just turned 18.”, but he was just bitchy because he liked her. Now nine years later I realize we were both kids. Thirty-three and life to go. Oh wait it was eighteen…Yea Kate was the coolest. Her eyes, smile, and completely insane natureher way of being. Talk about loving every aspect of someone.
I remember when I first got clean all of the little silly poems I would write. My feelings were so convincing but when I went to say something about them nothing came out. Empty. Turns out things don’t come out the way they went in and there is no apparent chronological order to the way my emotions handle what is going on around me.
I just erased something.
I just erased something else.
I need to protect the innocent.
I really fucking loved her alright. How the fuck am I suppose to express that? How do I say that I haven’t been right since I lost her and her? I mean they were the only two that I had and now I can’t even have one of them. A double-edged sword wedged in between two worlds a literal barrier between what I needed and what I wanted.
The moral to this story is I will never have either. One doesn’t come without the other and I just can’t risk having her because it will only end in me loosing her yet again. FUCK. There is no point in writing some cheesy comment (as if I haven’t already) about drugs running through my body, so insert your favorite metaphor here.
It isn’t all that bad. I am glad I have been stripped down and have the ability to see with some haphazard clarity. I mean it *is* better than it was. I just know there was a piece of her and I that really connected and fucking struggle with letting that go. That is the piece of me that feels so desperate and alone. She touched a place I thought I had sealed off for good, a place that was frozen forever. Thawed and ready for loving four years passed and there was nothing left but a heart in my arm and a whole in my heart.
There is hope.
I haven’t spoken to her for just as long as I haven’t spoken to her. Two halves of the same whole, but somehow separate in my mind and in my heart. I hope they hear me and let me carry on with what is left of this life.