I had a really hard day at work today. I did my best to hang in there and just give the day what it required. I didn’t lash out or spit my venom all over the day or anyone contained therein.
I was surprised.
At one point I wondered just how much more I could take and was frightened by the fact that I could take a lot more. Still I was surprised I hadn’t reacted negatively and was doing my best to be present and work on the problems at hand.
Phones ringing…people asking questions, but where are all of the answers?
I’m grateful I wasn’t alone and that someone was there to help me, but in the end I just felt useless. I beat myself up in a way that is so bloody familiar it is sickening.
Maybe they are selling the gene I’m missing at The Gap this month…I was sure I found it years ago in little wax bags but that never worked…
I left work feeling terrible about myself and wondering how I could make everyone in the world understand that I am not stupid. If you all just give me a chance I will do better next time.
Yep I want to be the guy with all of the answers but not accept the responsibility of fielding all of the questions. I just want to hate myself. Ugh.
Sometimes it really would be nice to have someone in my life that could comfort me in a way that just made me feel like everything will be OK. I’m not sure if I ever got that from my mother or whatever but I’m sure that I abused anything I got it from! Catch-22…
I’m lonely.
I’m such a prick. A cactus stings itself from the inside out.
I went to a screening tonight.
I came home feeling really sad. I opened the door and thought about coming home to home. I was thinking about what my house thinks about me coming in the door. Is it happy to see me? Does it scurry to greet me at the front door? Is it sad that I’m home late again? Or is it pissed I’m back ruining its vibe?
Coming home to a home all alone…