It seems like there is this point and whenever I get to it I fuck shit up. I really don’t know how else to say it. I feel like I am getting closer. I’m in it and I’m doing my best and I don’t want to fuck it up.
It is so funny…Before I started writing this it felt like I had something so heart-felt to say. I felt like I really had something to say, but I guess it is just like one of those sneezes that never come.
I guess I just feel like so much is going on in my life and I really am doing my best. I want to make the right choices but sometimes you just don’t know if what your choosing is right until after you’ve chosen it. That’s fun :). I’ve made some big decisions in the past few months. Decisions that will definitely change the course of my life and I’m looking forward to the changes.
So what are the changes? What is the decision? Hah!
Eight years ago today I shot three bags of heroin under a bathroom sink at my friends house. After that he took me to detox for around the fifteenth time in a year and a half. I had no idea that would be my last detox. I especially didn’t know that I would get clean and stay clean for this long.
Throughout the journey of recovery many friends sought careers in substance abuse counseling. People often encouraged me to do that also saying things like “You would be good at it…” and the like. But I knew that I really didn’t want anything to do with that, it just wasn’t for me.
In the past few years I’ve really been searching. What is out there for me? What else can I do? How can I help others and help myself? How can I best be of service?
A few years ago my friend Bryan introduced me to Bikram yoga. My first class was a joke! I could barely do the breathing exercise! But it wasn’t long before I was kicking out in Standing head to knee. Teachers encouraged me to keep coming and let me know that I was doing great! I appreciated the encouragement and kept coming mainly because it was so difficult. I immediately noticed the results of regular practice in my daily life: I was more efficient, easier to get along with, able to be there for other, the list just keeps going.
When it comes to myself I’m a skeptic. I have a tendency to jump into things and then have to pull away because I’ve suffocated myself with them. This happened when I first started practicing: I was going to early classes regularly and then it got to a point where I got pissed off thinking I couldn’t do it and instead of taking a day or two off I just quit. Sure I was rock climbing in the meantime but months went by and then my friend Bryan took me to another class and I realized what I had been missing for the past few months. It was like my body, mind, and spirit was put back into order in just one class! I immediately signed up for a six month membership to encourage myself to attend class regularly.
People started talking about teacher training and I had definitely thought about it but I put it out of my mind. A year or so later it came back and has come back repeatedly over the last few months. I really want to do this. I want to change my life. I want to be there for others in the same capacity that others have been there for me.
I’m really not sure of the logistics yet but I am sure that I am going to do it. Just the other day I was thinking about the future and it didn’t seem like a scary place but rather a place that I want to be.
Back to that place…
Maybe just maybe this time I won’t screw up and with the strength and determination that I have learned through yoga I will move past this place onto somewhere else…
‘Lost dreams reawakened and *new* possibilities arise…’