On my way home for Christmas this years I was thinking “Home Alone 36″…I was pretty angry to be going home alone again especially when everything in our relationship was really going so well. The abrupt ending didn’t leave much room for closure but time has a way of mending holes. Mostly I didn’t want to field questions about what had happened. Luckily just about everyone knew so when I was getting out of the car to go in that lonely sinking feeling came over me. Had I failed again? Only this time there weren’t any drugs or booze to ease the pain. Surely I have gone through breakups since I have been clean but never had I unconditionally given myself to someone the way I was giving myself to her. I say ‘giving’ because I was still in the process of giving…
Inside there was food and cheer. Everything inside had the makings for Christmas but it just didn’t feel like it was Christmas. It is really tough to describe the feeling but for me it is a feeling that connects to other feelings or years past. Yes it is really tough to describe…Anyway I didn’t feel that feeling of connection to the time or to the season. It just didn’t feel like Christmas.
The next morning was much of the same. Part of me wanted to contact her but I just left well enough alone. Instead I canceled her airplane ticket so that I could use the money for a ticket to visit my mother in March. I felt pretty shitting doing this on Christmas but someone had put the bug in my ear to not let it go to waste.
I got up and we exchanged gifts and then I made some breakfast…Tidied up the computer for my dad, transferred some images and showed him how to use the camera.
It took me awhile to get my beard off but I was happy when I was down to skin again. Oddly enough it felt a bit weird to just have skin on my face! I think I actually did look pretty good with a beard.
Off to my sisters house and I finally got a small glimpse of the feeling of Christmas. It is always nice hanging out with my family. I really love them and they me. What has been going on in my life has definitely drawn us closer and I’m happy for it. I really love what my family has become and I’m grateful to be part of it.